How you know it's time to go on a diet

The first time I started thinking about losing weight was a year ago. When I broke a toilet just by sitting on it. And got 12 stitches on my ass. Someone up there had a bizarre way telling me I'm fat.

Today I broke a toilet again. I was on my way outside London to have sex with a guy from an internet dating site(thanks to photoshop, fat people do reproduce!!).
I used a coach toilet. You flush it by pressing your foot down on a pedal below the seat. I did that while washing my hands. In a second I feel pee water on my legs. I was like FUUUCK and prayed the water would stay in the cubicle. I go back to my seat. How come I even thought that God would answer fat people's prayers? In every turn the water flows over the seat hitting windows. I'm like THIS AINT HAPPENING. Until we go down hills and the water flows thru the aisle to the driver's seat. The bus reaches its final stop and I'm like 'oi should maybe inform the driver?' But there's a twenty head queue of people about to enter the bus so I think to myself 'it's best I run'. Cause I felt that someone might call my embassy to have me deported.

Honestly it was like Titanic.


Only thing I do at KFC nowadays is blow drying my feet.

Get skinny xxx

:((((((((((

I bought a foot file.



Unwrapped it. Started using it. It breaks in half after approx 3 seconds.

Who knew even foot files have a weight limit?

Muma Rouge

Gyms classes are know to be difficult. Especially when the instructor is a fan of 'The Biggest Loser', the TV show.

Me and Sandra regularly attend the Get Fit With Mel B class at our gym, its kinda amazing, constantly doing squats, jumps, skips and bends. I am actually the runt of the class. Its so fuckin hard! The instructor always tell the guys to do more while im there going at the girls level, and still struggling. One thing you'll learn doing a gym class is that girls have amazing coordination.
WELL, this week, we had a new member, Muma Rouge. No word of a lie she is Big Momma in real life.  As glamourus as the name may be, she was anything but. She couldn't do none of the moves, aint no jumps (apart from the one she did that almost crushed sandra.) and most certainly no weights. It was refreshing to see that i wasnt the slow one of the class again. Of course being so overweight you cant do a gym class properly (ironically, the fat stay fat and the skinny get skinnier).

As the class progressed, she didnt. The instructor started going seriously Biggest Loser on dat ass and shouted at her to lift weights. ALL I KNOW IS IF A BRUTHA DID THAT TO ME DEM WEIGHTS WOULD BE ROUND HIS NECK. But yeh, it was sad, she clearly couldnt do it. What made it worse was that Sandra started laughing mid class, which made me laugh. Then the instructor kicked her out the class. Kinda wish he didnt, i was enjoying not being the shittest.

Class over, showed and got dressed. Me and Sandra meet outside the changing room, she tells me, "you know that fat lady in our class? well, she was just in the sauna. FULLY CLOTHED, shoes nd all!" - i'll let you process that information however you like. And then later saw her in the supermarket talking to  the chocolate section. Weird? or inspirational?
Long live Muma Rouge. We will be hearing more from her yet.

The reality isn't this fabulous 

Get Skinny xx mumarougeiswatching

Dieting aint easy!!!

Continued from last post:

1. Can shampoo make you fat?

Chemicals (for example phthalaes) found in shampoo can mix your body's hormonal balance and therefore make you gain weght. In a long-term study, it came out that the heaviest girls have the highest amount of phthalates in their urine.

2. Can heating make you fat?

Experts say many of us now keep our homes so cosy that we no longer have to burn as many calories to naturally warm up our bodies. If the body is already warm it does not need to convert a ‘brown’ fat known as adipose ­tissue into energy to generate heat, the London University study said.

3. Can giving head make you fat?

The average ejaculate, laden with between 200 and 300 million sperm, amounts to about about 5 calories.

These are derived from protein, including enzymes, and sugars (mainly fructose) secreted into semen by the prostate gland to provide the sperm with the energy to swim.

Other 'ingredients' present in semen include :

Water
Vitamin C
Citric acid
Phosphate and bicarbonates, to regulate acidity
Zinc
Prostaglandins

For comparison, a greasy cheeseburger contains over 500 calories, so to equal one junk-food attack you'd need to gulp down over 100 ejaculates.


Well. Cheers to that?

Getskinnybygivinghead xx

Blowjobs make you blow up?

Ok so. I've been on a diet for a month now. Haven't lost a pound. I've given up my social life, I've missed lectures because of zumba and I've eaten healthier than a rabbit. And I still weigh as much as when I ate chocolate a.k.a was a happy person!

So I started to seriously think about this. Cause a sista ain't doing anything wrong!

a) Can you gain weight on shampoo?

b) Can the heating in your house make you swell up?

c)

Do I have to give up givin blowjobs?

Oh well. New month, new opportunity. Me and Flick really think February has our back. It even has an extra day to lose weight this year!

Get skinny xx

My locker room love story

The best thing happened at the gym today, maybe i am not going to be alone forever.
I had finished Zumba and went to the changing room to shower and get dressed. Once i got out the shower there was a guy getting dressed near my locker, he was really cute, dark wavy hair, athletic body, sexy tattoo.
Of course being naked (yes, i got over my not getting naked at the gym thing) i was super shy and had to move a few steps away from him to get dressed. I had just got dressed and was trying to spray deodorant under my arms. The can was almost empty so was making that exhausted sound. The guy (lets call him TDH) then looked over at me and opened his mouth, "Would you like to use some of my deodorant." he said in a deep tone. I slightly chuckled and and accepted the offer. admittedly i fancied him.
 It had a smell of peppermint and camomile, very romantic. As i passed the can back our hands touched. We both looked at each other and apologised with a smile. At this point i was beging to wonder if he was being slightly flirtatious?
Well, I was ready to leave and nodded goodbye to TDH, he smiled.
I went upstairs to reception to ask if Sandra had left the gym without me, she had. Then, i see him again, TDH was coming up the stairs ready to leave, he sees me and asks if my friend left me, "yeh." i replied in a sad tone. He then asked me, "Do you wanna walk to the station together?" THIS IS AMAZING! Of course i accepted his offer. I was now fucking happy Sandra left me. We talked all the way to the train station, he is so amazing! finally, a man isn't repelled by me. Well, I have a date on next week, im so excited. Looks like i wont be alone for Valentines Day!

....

Just so you know, all of the above happened in my head. He was just a man i saw at the gym. I was alone in the changing rooms. I will be alone next week, and I will be alone on Valentines Day.
Just me, my cat, and vodka shots.

Get Skinny xx cos its the only way your not gonna be alone forever.

Leyton logistics

I need to let you guys into a little bet me and Sandra had on, as im not sure we told you on the blog, only on our Twitter... 2 weeks ago i bet Sandra that i would be able to go to the gym 5 times a week the next week, and if i didn't, the consequence would be that i had to wear net shorts to a club. Leyton was one of the gyms i said i attended that week.
Now,
On with the story. A few days ago i was set on going to the gym after work, i had a spinning class on at Leyton Fitness First, TFL said it would only take 20 mins to get there from Hackney. The class started at 7.45 and i left work at 7. Well i'll be blunt. i missed the class cos fucking TFL lied!!! Why cant London be a nice, pint sized city like Helsinki??
So once i was at the gym i was confronted by a large black man behind the desk, 'you've missed the class sir.' dare be it i question his deep tone and try to attend the class anyway. I went to the changing room to use the toilet and was then going to leave as i did NOT plan to use the machines alone. i walk into the rest room to see the FATTEST MAN ever shaving his face, belly nd all clearly on display, at least if this was a gym i was ever attending again i wouldn't have to worry about taking off my shirt. Not to mention the fact he was wearing a wedding ring, WTF??
Anyway, this gym was so gross, grotty, full of chavs, and just genrally somewhere i never want to go again.
I left the gym and instantly called Sandra, i told her about how shit this gym was and how i missed my class and how it was my first and last time going to it! But that i thought she would like it cos it was full of black men.
The only thing she said to me,

.
.
.

"I thought you went to that gym before, you tellin' me you didn't go to the gym 5 times 2 weeks ago?"

fuck.

Two words: Net. Shorts.
So, im fucked. Sandra found out that i lied and didn't go to the gym 5 times. The worst part about this? I TOLD HER!
Dammit. Looks like i have to wear net shorts out the a club. this will be the worst moment of my life?
Im starting to realise that the only way i will be able to go the gym on days i work will be by going really early in the morning! Kinda sucks. But in the words of my friend Rosie: 'The only excuse for not going to the gym is if your have aids.'
So i guess i dont have a excuse. fuck.


Get Skinny. xx