Saturday, 14 June 2014


My friend works in an American diner in London. She was priviledged to get to serve Beyonce herself.

My first question was not if Beyonce had a halo or if whatever she touched turned gold or if she took steps when walking.

No. It was:


I think I have an eating disorder.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

you know you're fat when...

You mistake the sound of the ambulance siren..... for the sound of the icecream van #notthefirsttime

Sunday, 29 December 2013

You know you're fat when.....

You misheard the lyrics:

Girl you really got me now,

you got me so I don't know what I'm chewing

Thursday, 12 December 2013

That ass

I was on my bicycle thinking Jesus! I need a pillow! This seat feels so hard!

How come? I've been cyclin fo ages and the seat has bee fine... Can it be.....That my ass has become hard?


Oh yeah.It's quite hard! How did this happen? All the hard work at gym classes squeezing my ass trying to hold a fart must have paid off!

My ass is still big. But it's behind me, so I don't reeeeeeeally care.

And neither does Beyonce!

Monday, 9 December 2013

Start first and finish last

I’m at a cruise buffet for the second time within a week. So you can see this as a part 2 to previous post.

I consider myself as an expert buffet eater. These are my advice to beginners:

1. Arrive early. Cruise buffets only allow you to sit for 2 hours. At this time I advice not to make slash take any phone calls, you already eat slower than at a normal buffet because the food is actually hot. I tell you to even swith your phone completely off: this way you will think time flies quicker and you will be full before you discover a clock on the wall. And it reveals you still have another hour left!

(Also, being first is the closest real life event you can get to the feeling Belle had in Beauty and the Beast where chandelliers removed cloths from food plates and sang ‘Be my guest’)

2. Make sure you discover the place properly. Nothing is sadder than noticing yet another table of food treasures just when leaving.

3. Can’t make up your mind bout whether to take red wine or white? Luckily, the buffet gives you two wine glasses: take both! And you’ll save time by pressing both options at the same time! Juice glasses are available next to the juice machine. Fill one with orange juice to make sangria, and deliver another one to the beer tap.

4. Do not wear trousers. And ladies: DO NOT WEAR A BRA. Your full stomach will expand the ribs cage, which will make you feel extremely uncomfortable and you will not use your eating capability to the maximum. Bikini tops are no good too, they do also explode when chucking enough of those pizza slices...... been there done that

5. Wear low shoes. Nothing is more awkward than trying to reach a low tabled kids buffet (only place with fries!) with triple sole creepers.

6. The servers go around removing your empty plates, so you can take a new plate and without shame start another round. They will also ask you ‘Ready for another round?’ with a tone assuming you’d laugh back and shout out ‘NO’. Instead, answer back with an ‘ok sir’, in a tone that says ‘this is no challenge…’.

7. Eat, eat, eat. When you feel like exploding, eat a bit more. The cruise buffet is planned so that you’ll reach the ice cream table at the last (genius!). So, if you happen to throw up, it will be a rather joyful and refreshing experience as the icecream will still be cold travelling up your troath. And this way you’ll be ready to start the entire round again.

8. Get a cabin from underneath the vehicle deck. These cabins have fake windows (mine shows a caribbean beach) and you can spend the rest of the evening naked as no clothes are comfortable anymore.

Good luck!

Sunday, 8 December 2013


I'm working on Christmas eve. I'm trying so hard to be on a diet, then destiny things like this happens to make my diet easier.

well fuck you destiny!

I'm on a cruise. cruises are the best! My grandma used to say the happiest day in her life was at the buffet on a ferry to sweden. she is dead now, and all my life I pitied her, thinking she was a poor lady for nominating that particular day as the highlight of her life. but oh boy, when I entered the door to a cruise buffet for the first time in my life! those buffets.......are not just any buffets..... They are buffets WITHIN buffets: dessert buffet, cheese buffet, meat buffet etc. all you can eat principle includes also the alcohol: wine and beer is served draft in soda machines.

and this is not all....the helsinki-stockholm ferry ride takes o long you'll have the chance to experience TWO buffets: dinner AND breakfast. am I in heaven?

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

One night of pure drunkeness

equals two weeks off from the gym #fml #fatforever

I'm too afraid to let my mingy dad know that I'm paying for a gym card I cannot use. In my childhood I wanted a season card to the amusement park Wasalandia. I whined until I finally got it. I was super happy. until I realized his plan. He saw the card as an investment. He made me go there everyday for the card to be as profitable as possible.

Haven't been to Wasalandia ever since.