Friday, 30 March 2012

Why i love gay spinning teachers.

My greatly anticipated return to the gym happend this week and what better why to be introduced back than to have a gay spinning teacher. For once i am not going to bitch about my gay amigos, but praise.
The teacher was a stocky guy with a shaved head (balding actually) who was pretty fucking brutal when it came to teaching spinning. At one point he was bending down at my pedels calling and shouting, "GO HARDER!" almost as embarrassing as when my manager told me i would never be able to fo BFI. Lets see what Kelly Rowland has to say about that.
Well anyway, when i first saw him i didn't think he was gay, but then his choice of music came on. ONLY for me to hear a mixture of Madonna, Lady Gaga and Queen. STILL unsure of his sexuality as of the shaved head and powerful teaching method, i was sold when he started singing along to 'Vogue'. Mystery solved.
I think he was one of those, 'Im gay but im still a manlier man than you'll ever be' gays.
It literally was like Gay Pride hit the gym. Thank god i didn't have Grindr i think my phone would have exploded, and its new, i dont want that.
Only i would get a phone that you only have to talk into for it to do things. Cant even be bothered to press the keys.
Im going to try and keep up my gym classes, especially spinning, i think its my favorite class cos its the only thing i can do better than Sandra.
OH yeh, Im also running 5k on Sunday in fancy dress. wtf am i doing??

Get Skinny xx

Friday, 23 March 2012

Why you shouldn't forget your towel (From an English woman's persperctive)

Whereas I only realized that I forgot my towel when I was already fully naked, an English rose would notice before as she NEEDS the towel to undress herself.

The English lady goes to the gym with her best friend. The BFF has a towel. To share a towel with her is not even an option (It surely makes you lesbian as havin piece of cloth touch your fanny after hers means you've had sex). What does a classy English rose do?

Dry herself with a hair dryer. Yes, it's Friday and she's changin into club clothing but she is blow drying her hair to get rid of the sweat.

Gurrl............Ya REEEALLY think ya're Sistas for life?? See Kelly Rowland wud share wid Beyonce like HEEEELL YEH.

I bet a tenner that your 'friend' will 'lose' you on the dancefloor(stink bomb).

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Why you shouldn't forget your towel

I'm Finnish and have no problem with nudity. More people have seen me naked, than seen me wear trousers. It's not because I'm happy with how I look naked, it's because I've been brought up surrounded by nudity and KNOW that everyone looks shit naked.

When I first started goin to the gym in London, I was lost in the changing rooms trying to find the showers. I needed to ask for directions. 'It's there, right behind you'. I turn around, it's the room I've been walking past a few times as I thought the cubicles were TOILETS. The showers in Finnish gyms are big rooms with multiple showers. There you stand bum to bum, judging each other's cellulite and getting to know who's bra is padded and who's not. I bet even the prisons in England don't have showers like this.

Well the changing rooms in London gyms are awkward places. You see women struggling holding their towel up and putting knickers on at the same time. That's why everyone stares at you, because you look stupid and are about to trip, not because they're lesbians.

I've noticed that the further South you go, the more protective people get of their bodies. Today I was at Lewisham gym. Well, they're zumba teacher might be a tranny but I bet that makes those Big Mummas go church one extra time a week, cause they like no white booty in their face! The moment I take my bra off and reveal my pierced nipples, I have people changin lockers from near me. When I'm fully naked, I realize that forgot my towel.

What to do now? My options are:

a) Go to the shower in my bra (Ok this is not even an option AS ENGLISH WOMEN SEE THIS AS COMPULSORY)

new a) towel myself with the clothing I was wearing
b) towel myself with the clothing I'm about to wear

You see, both options suck. I don't want to stink of sweat and I don't want to wear wet clothes. Also, I'm already naked SOOOOO

I see the walk to the showers as my runway. left, right, left, right, pose. I shower. I leave the shower (past the 'please towel yourself' sign) with wet footprints. I'm at my locker soakin wet. What do I do now?

The same as dogs do wet. Or what you could also call it:


Putting clothes on when I over hear these two girls who probably are best friends. One of them is getting changed in a corner which can be isolated with a curtain(why you guys have these in your gym goes beyond my brain capasity...) an she's to her friend like 'promise you're not gona watch!!'. Gurrl................YA THINK KELLY ROWLAND AINT SEEN MAMA B'S PUSSY????? YOU AINT NO FRIENDZ IF YOU AINT SEEN YA SISTA'S PUSSY I'M TELLIN Y'ALL


Get skinny x

Monday, 19 March 2012

New week, new body

Fitness Fail has been in coma. Food coma.

We've been busy pourin pringles down our throats (yeh like our hands would fit in those tubes...). Flick has gone so far he's thinkin are makin fun of him askin for his postcode everytime when they SURELY know it cause they've been visiting him twice a day.

However. Today I changed my ways. Am on this diet called 'No men, no carbs, no alcohol'.

Means unlimited amount of lesbians, quark and water. Shit loads of body combat which is this wicked class where women pretend killing males with imaginary swords. I'm allowed five meals a day. 'Meals':

Morning: Porridge with milk
Lunch: 1 can of tuna, pot of cottage cheese, half a cucumber and 3 tomatoes
'Snack': Pot of quark
Dinner: See Lunch
'Snack': See 'Snack'

2-3 hours between every meal. 'Meal'.

Ok. Can't take all credit. I didn't come up with this diet. Only re-named it.

This is Jutta Gustafsberg, the woman behind it. Finnish of course. She decided to become a body builder after her husband died in a boat accident. Guess she started to miss stroking abs??

Get skinny xxNEEDNOMANxx

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

I havent died of high cholesterol

Being fat and looking good is starting to become a problem.
Ive got to the point now where i only leave the house in baggy jeans and a jumper. For the life of me i cannot find a piece of clothing that looks good on my Moomin physique.
So, what i do? Go clothes shopping. What do i buy? Accessoires. Even when i try to get new clothes i still cant find anything that fits/looks good/isnt£££££.
I seem to have accumulated so many necklaces, rings, hats and bracelets its unbelievable. I DONT EVEN WEAR BRACELETS. And as for the rings, they are a risky business. One day they fit, the next they dont.
In fact, the only accessory i ever wore was a necklace that went over your whole body, it was called a harness by the manufacturer. It was quite cool, id wear it when i went out to snazz things up a bit. Ive been out in it quite a few times with Sandra, only for her to tell me recently tell me that it makes my boobs look bigger. Oh the joy. What am i too do? I thought accessories didn't have a weight limit? I suppose i was wrong.

Get Skinny xxx nothingfits

Friday, 9 March 2012

hate my life 2

Shaved off a chunk of my finger nail when shaving my vagina in the gym shower. Another reason for why I love being a woman, another reason I love going to the gym.

I've had enough.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

hate my life

This post is written honouring International Women's day. Let's call it 'Why I love being a woman -period thru my gym shorts'

That is enough for this time I think. And yes, no pictures.

Get skin....Nah just give up

Tuesday, 6 March 2012


=Fat, Furious and Single.

All fat people are desperate. I used to think that it was quite desperate to have a profile on a dating site (read five). Until I was about to delete mine, but couldn't do so without giving a specific reason. I had to choose from a list with reasons like 'I found someone'.

Well, the most suitable for me was 'I give up'. I clicked on it, doing the L sign on my forehead at the same time.

Now there's no thing I'd classify as 'desperate'. You know you're desperate when you pay to travel for someone to spread your thighs and touch your vagina. You heard right, team FFS went down to Brighton!

I was well prepared.

''me: fuck im afraid im on my period 3.3

flick: gona have a christina aguilera moment in your casting

me: more like a scene from ER. ''

So I had to get the pill to change my period cycle. Of course I wasn't on the pill before: no need as fat people do not get laid. Scenario from the health centre:

-oh so you found a nice boyfriend to have regular sex with?

-nah the only thing goin into my vagina is clay

*awkward silence*

The cast of my vagina was meant to feature on the Great Wall of Vagina- exhibition, but when the artist asked me 'Sooo, where are you from(you do undestand how difficult small talk was in this situation)? and got 'Finland' as the answer, he became happy. It came out he's next vulva showcase, is gona be one where there's one fanny representig each country.

He asked me if I wanted to be Miss Finland.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANT TO ME. The reason behind all these attempts of losing weight and growing my hair, was of course to one day become Miss Finland. Who knew, that all it took, was just to pull your pants down!

There she is! Miss Pussy Finland. An overall good representant, as Finnish design is known for it's simplicity, clear lines and functionality. An inner beauty (literally).

Get skinny *boysrememberfatgirlscanhavenicevaginas*

Friday, 2 March 2012

Phobia (1)

Today had be thinking about phobias. We all have them, there is no need to deny them.
I was thinking about them because a friend of mine was freaking out when i took off one of my shoes, I was like, 'what the hells up?' I had a hole in my sock. Who knew that was a thing?? So i thought i must have one of these odd phobias. I thought for hours and nothing. Then it hit me, i couldn't think of it because it was all around me.


Being surrounded by it all the time naturally you build an immunity to its being. Its why being fat is so dangerous. You dont notice its their unless your bitchy friends tell you it is. However your best friends will tell you 'you've filled out, it suits you.' So, sounds like you had friends when you were skinny, now your fat you may find they've shrunk out, unlike your waist. And we all know how Me and Sandra are only friends with each other. I dont even have the energy to post the 'Forever Alone' picture.

Get Skinny xx

Thursday, 1 March 2012

oh fuck

Oh well. My life is pretty shit atm.

a) Bought this magazine called Women's health. It said stuff like 'you can have your odd Mars bar -just have it with an apple' and that binge eating won't make too much harm. Ok. I've lived by these rules for the last two weeks (forget the apple, that surely is a 30 extra calories??)and my jeans aren't happy.

b) Bought a Beyonce t shirt. Texted Flick like 'I would have bought you one but they're all ladies slim fit'. Come home. LADIES SLIM FIT HONESTLY SANDRA?? Sincerely thinkin I would fit in this, AND THAT IT WOULD BE LOOSE, I cut the arm holes wider and neck aswell ('this will look so good with cropped jeans shorts and tanned skin on summer!!'). Try it on. It's like a bra.

c) Goin Vagina casting on saturday. Just realizd how pathetic that is. I'm so desperate I'm payin to go Brighton for someone to spare my legs and touch my vagina.

There's a light side thou(thank god). Last week when I went out with alex (post below)(ok no need for specifyin 'with alex' I think you know by now that he's my only friend) he told me the next day that I fell face down on the ground. MY FACE!!! Thank GOD it's still on its place! What sucks more than bein fat, is bein fat AND havin an ugly face. I mean, if it wasn't for Adele's face, she would just be a Susan Boyle, right?

Get skinny xx