bitch

I've become one of those annoying bitches who towel themselves in front of the mirror. this blog has ruined me.

sandrahasanamazingbody.com's first post

Walked past a mirror naked and thought to myself: 'girl, you look goooood'

omg

I just weighed myself for the first time after new years. Minus fuckin 11 kilos.

This blog needs to go, cause it's defo no fail anymore. Or swap its name. Too bad Fitness first is a licensed trademark. Guess we have to settle for sandrahasanamazingbody.com

Be skinny x

London 2012

And again, this blog is surrounded by silence. My reason this time being....Serious gym dedication. Finally! And when I say serious, I mean SERIOUS. I noticed it had become SERIOUS when in the shower I overhear girls bitching... about me! When girls bitch about you, means you're a threat. And also, my body attack teacher invited me to her birthday. I'm doing something right it seems! And Olympics being in town, there's not really a better time to get fit!

Me now. Team GB!

Starting point..........You can clearly see that gym and diet effects a person both mentally and physically

The Olympics has not inspired me to pick up a sport...rather to pick up a sports man. Tom Daley! I'll show you a pool you can dive into! With 12 000 athletes and 1 000 000 tourists in town, I feel like there's a pretty high chance that I'll find a boyriend! London 2012 is where the love is!

Be skinny x

Get skinny (maybe next summer)

If i say the words, 'Flicks great return' to Sandra one more time i think i am going to shoot myself.
Thats right, i hate to admit it but ive quit the gym! Ive decided to take matters into my own hands and buy some weights and a rowing machine. However I had this attitude about the gym, this doesn't ensure im going to use them. 
So no worries, im still fat and very much single so im not going anywhere. 


In my quest of discovery over the last couple months i think i've finally got to grips with what it means to me be skinny. Not much. But as long as you have good hips and a arse to go with it your set. Obviously you cant be hanging out of your jeans but keep that thigh fat girl its sexy.
See Sandra cant sympo-thighs with the fatties, i can.

I was on the bus and my work trousers split at the seam. This was when i realised the power of hips and Robyns great words echo'd in my head,
"Right now you probably thinking how she get in them jeans, 
Well I'm gifted all natural and burstin' the seams"

Honestly its those two lines that get me through life.

I was actually a man empowered. 

So for now all i have to say, and my god i never thought id say this, but love your body girl. You only got one. And we have a treat for you on Sunday so save the salmiakki for another date. 

Whatever, i dont care if i cant see my cheekbones, im gonna make my own.

Does anybody have any tape?

Get Skinny xxx  (i will sort the format out tomorrow) luvv yewww

to @AddaLang

We got a question from a reader on twitter, asking if the reason to the silence on this blog is the fact that we've become skinny. Ha. Ha ha ha. Allow me to laugh (apparently it burns calories) Ha ha ha haaaaaa.

Here's a photo of me finishing a 2 litre tub of icecream by myself. We ladies turn to icecream and blame it on heartache, but nah, that's a general lie. Women don't actually have a reason to eat icecream for breakfast, we just like to blame men for everything, trying to make us feel better for bein born the more useless gender. Like when we claim to be feminists when we're just too bloody lazy to shave!!

Then I went to Indian all you can eat buffet. Atleast I walked there, they also do free home delivery!! This I blamed on heartache again, caused by an Italian guy I slept with but who never called me back. How does Italy ad curry even go together? Woman's logic.....Women don't even get it themselves.

Ah, that awkward moment when the waitress had to refill the tubs of curry..

What about Flick? He cancelled his gym membership. (Your time to laugh)

The Olympics are coming. We are clearly not ready. Thou we are supportive and excited: The main sponsor is McDonalds!!

Get skinny (maybe nex summer) xxxxxxx

ADELE!!WHY!!

I went to see the doctor because of weird lower stomach pain:

Doctor: I think we should do a pregnancy test. Your symptoms make it sound like you might be pregnant.

Me: Syptoms?? Are you saying I look fat??

Phew, thank God it was negative. Couldn't really be bothered to start a maternity blog. I'm on a diet see and this is how we get to the title: ADELE!!NOOOOOOO!! Just when you were losing weight you go and get pregnant! You silly, slly girl!!!

They say alcohol etc. is bad for your body. But what REALLY destroys it is a kid.

Showerubicles

I've already mentioned how I was lost in the chaging rooms on my first day at gym (lost, naked and immgrant, you cannot get much more vulnerable!) mistaking cubicles for toilets when they infact, were showers, exactly what I was looking for!

Pros and cons of shower cubicles:

+Shaving. You shower in big space with 12 other women (gym showers in finland). You english consider this vulgar, but imagine them 12 doing the crab stand and shaving their labias. That's even too much for my people, which is why we have signs prohibitng public shaving. Thou I personally think you shouldnt hate those who shave, but them who don't.

Story related to this: I was shaving in the gym shower using some seriously faulty razor. One move and a 5cm chunk, not strip, CHUNK! was on the floor. Blood eeeverywhere. Thank GOD I start shaving down my legs and not down THERE,otherwise I'd be missing my clitoris. The look of fellow gym members when I leave the shower towel not wrapped around me, but around my right foot.

+Peeing

-Showering in a cubicle in Finland would wake suspicions. Does she have something to hide?Rumours of you being a tranny will reach your workplace befor you leave the gym, your parents will call you within an hour and it will be in tabloids next day.Yes, Finland really is that small.

-Showering in that cubicle you watch you thighs wobble and notice your boobs aren't identical and you hate your body. The only reason why Finns are so confident nude, is because we know everyone has celluite. Since birth have we showered naked with strangers and dnot once ha we seen amazing body. Pretty much everyone looks bad naked.

-Queing

-You cannot see the floor as the person using it before you wore a two pound weave.

euro-thin-sion

Mine and Sandras friendaversary went by recently, this being on the same night as Eurovision! Only the best tv show on tv.

But moving on.

Flicks rules to surviving Uni on a diet:

- To be honest its best to not go to uni at all if your fat. Its not a place for fatties. You'll get told before you go that its all about sex, parties and drugs. But dont listen to those rules because they dont apply to fat people. But if you still insist on going, here we go.

1) Choose the right course. Ideally, something that involves a lot of activity on a computer. Us fatties love a good sit down and everyone knows it. If you do something like Sport Science all you will get is judgement. Fashion isn't ideal either. They are another lot to pass judgement. But if you insist on doing it (like I did) you have to take on the roll of, clumsy, yet funny, fat guy. You may be the butt of everyones joke but at least they wont be throwing sandwiches at you.

2) Choose a Uni that doesn't have a inbuilt canteen, you have to move for your food. A sure sign that you are gonna gain weight (cos you ain't gonna be loosing it having sex) is buying lunch every day. All that Subway and Starbucks may come across as healthy but let me tell you, it will result in a spare tire to match your bingo wings.

3) Dont befriend fatties! I know its hard being fat and making friends but if you socialise with fatties you wont be able to break the stereotype that all you do is eat and sweat a lot. My friends are skinny. Proof it can be done. If you follow rule 1 and come across as the fat funny guy those skinny bitches will pick you up in a flash. They love a good makeover.

4) Love your body gurl! By this of course I mean pretend to. I would never sugest love the fact you're fat on this blog. But if you walk around as if there are donuts around your ankles you'll get treated like it. Buy yourself some nice clothes and make sure to include spanx on that shopping list! I dont care if your a boy, I do it so can you!

Proof bitchez, you can do it! 

Get Skinny xx

Everyone loves fried chicken

Silence on this blog. You could think it's because we're at the gym all the time. I'll leave you thinking that.


I fuckin hate being a woman. There's a lot wrong with you physically, but especially mentally. An example of how twisted a woman's mind is: No matter how fit she is, she's always on a diet. You tell her she's fit, no need to diet,she'll slap you on the face telling you just called he fat! I know this cause I do it all the time! I can't help it, I blame it on this curse called womanhood.

Reason why it's a curse, is cause being on a diet is fuckin hard. There's a reason why it consists of the word 'die' ok. You're just dying to get some fried chicken. I myself spend every awake second thinking about fried chicken. Which is sinfully alot for a white person. I go to London College of Fashion, which is shortened LCF. I always mix this with KFC. Once we decided to meet at the LCF library for a group project. I went all epileptic: WHAT (foam coming from my mouth) THERE'S A LIBRARY OF FRIED CHICKEN??

The only way of staying away from fried chicken is to be hypercritical about chicken shop names. There's one on my street called 'Delta Express Chicken'. In crtical times like these, it's important to eat locally produced meat, so stay away from everything that sounds like it cme from a martian alien chicken's vagina. Next to that there's one called 'Lion's chicken'. Now, what kind of sick cross breeded animal is that?? Then there's McDonald's with its 100% boneless chicken. I don't know what they stuff their 'chicken' burgers with, but boneless chickens.........Doesn't exist.

Why does black people love fried chicken? CAUSE EVERYONE LOVES FRIED CHICKEN.

Get skinny x

FFS

= Fats Fighting Summer.

Thanks for the weather Jesus. Like fat people didn't sweat enough already.

On top of that, my entire wardrobe is black. Even black shorts are too hot for this weather, so imagine having fat legs and not being able to go outside bare legged. Black tights it is! My room is so fuckin hot that my eyeliners have dried out. What to do when you are fat, and not being able to fix the only thing you have, your face? Stay inside. Happy fuckin Summer skinny bitches. I'll keep cruising on my online dating sites! EDIT: Lesbian just asked if I'd join a threesome. I said No thanks. Then she said: There was one condition anyway: For you to lose some.

Can't go to the gym cause this heat has given me blisters in my knee joints. 'Shame'

Get skinny x

gym obstacles

If it wasn't hard enough to drag your fat ass to a gym class, the gym class is full of obstacles.

1. Glasses

Not yours, some idiot's. We run around in circles, you in constant fear that she will drop them and you'll stand on them.

2. Babies

Not yours, some idiot forgot to use contraception. We run around in circles, you in constant fear that you will push her and cause miscarriage.

3. Fat people

We run around in circles, IF IT WAS POSSIBLE BUT BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF SPACE YOU'RE FORCED TO POWER WALK INSTEAD.With a fuckin elephant toe constantly in your face.


I'm basically saying that if it wasn't for people with bad eye sight, bad sex life or bad carb habits, I'd already be in my ideal weight. My diet atm is called 'Next week'

'Get skinny' xxxxxxx(killyourself)

Get skinny xx

I love going to the gym. Before I found it a bit drainig, as I kept thinking what the point was to have a nice body, when I have no one to touch it. Then I realized that I can touch it! Too bad I'm the only one who seems to see the difference: Yesterday I was clled fat by a lesbian n a dating site after I said no to a threesome. 'There was one condition any way', she said, 'for you to lose some!'. Then a girl on my course said I have the perfect face. That I could do face modelling. In other words, she too, did call me fat.

This is what in my mind has happened:

You see.This little spot on your waist. I didn't have that before. I was putting my porridge in the microwave thinking what the point was to be on this shit tasting diet, it clearly isn't working. When I put my hand on my waist. And started screaming, no lies! That spot there, it just and just fits your hand! It's amazing!! Then I went to my room to eat my porridge. Finished it. Rested my hands on my thighs. Started screaming again. For the first time, my hands weren't sinking into my thighs.

And yeh forgot to mention my ass. It's amazing too. There's a new curvature starting to take place it's all abit exciting.

I went out the other night and for the first time I had both females and males approach me (usually it's only females). I doubt it's the diet though. Must be the fact that my hair is finally growing out from a bowl cut. What is worse than a fat person? A fat person with a bowl cut. Love the gym so much right now that I'm fearing for the blog: It's not funny anymore if we actually get skinny. But then again, there's also Flick, so don't need to worry about that too much.

(will post this photo back up soon lovvvv youuuu, flick)

The way my bootie goes.

My contribution to this blog has a simular to my love life.
Minimal.

My lack of love has given me the time i needed to look back on old photos of me. Bad move when you've done nothing but gain weight the last few years. I can no longer use the excuse, 'im big boned' because i've seen the photos of when i had a waist.

Tilt your screen forward, I promise you can see an arse outline.

And below, I actually have cheekbones. Groundbreaking.

Well anyway, being single and fat has been a struggle recently. Last month i was so strong, i even said to Sandra, 'I think i could wait until im at least twenty-five before i even need a man.' WELL THAT CHANGED.

Im struggling.

Im starting to take steps to become an eligible bachelor.

Firstly, stopped buying my underwear from Tescos. Instead I've upgraded to the David Beckham for H&M undies. You know you've done a good job when a fat person says your underwear is comfortable.

But I could do without the giant silver statues of David Beckham, they are making me even more self-conscious.

Although shopping in H&M has its down sides. When putting a XL hoody on the counter and the cashier treats it like a bed sheet when folding it. Took him three attempts before he could correctly fold the 'metres' of fabric.
The most awkward three minutes of my life.

But yeh, I had a moment thinking it would be possible to be fat and have a boyfriend. But discovered it only applies in extreme cases. Every.effort.backfires. Weight lost is the only way and the DC-Diet is your guide.

Get Skinny xx becauseallyoureffotsareworthless

DC-diet

Ok so I'm currently on this diet called DC. Yes, it's named after Destiny's Child, cause only a sistah can relate!

I was talking to a guy at the club. Until he says: 'Wait. I wrote to you on a dating site. You never replied'

WHYYY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME. Everything was going so well! Must be the cut I got inside my hand once. I have a scar crossing my love line.

Ok so, despite the world crashing awkward moment, the evening carried on quite nicely. In fact we went to mine and had sex. Then he left. In the middle of the night! I've never felt as more of a dissapointment to my Independent women as in this moment. Sleeping alone in wet sheets, so wet I was cold! This is how the movie Titanic would be if it was based on a true love story!

The DC-diet is easy. You just listen to Destiny's Child. Constantly. Cause every part of your life has its own tune:

'Independent women' is about becoming a lesbian
'Survivor' is about period pain
'Lose my breath' is about walking up stairs
'Say my name' is about dyslexia
'Bootylicious' is about being fat (My body's too bootylicius for you=No one wants my body)

Additional rules:

1) No men. This is the corner stone of this diet and shall not be broken. In any,I say ANY, circumstances.
2) No alcohol. Cause it makes rule number one pretty much impossible.
3) Grow your hair. Imagine Beyonce with short hair? Also, growing your hair is easy cause you've stopped drinking. The main reason it was short anyway was because it used to be covered in vomit all the time.

And to all my single ladies (Ironically, Beyonce was very much the most un single lady when this song came out! How many rings do you really need Mama B(itch)!) When nothing fits: Wear nail polish!

My body's too bootylicious

When I started my diet, my goal was to get a body like Beyonce. I'd say I'm pretty close now. Not because I've lost that much weight. But because Beyonce has gained some.

Ok she had a baby I know! But that was in 4 months ago. Just saying...

Cause we know what happens when celebrities(Ok Beyonce is basically God,but just saying) get fat. They lose their celebrity status. Christina Aguilera, does anyone remember her? She got married. Then got fat. This is the anwer to a question me and Flick have been thinking about for a looong time: How does fat girls get married?

Answer: They don't. They are slim and pretty, until the very moment they get a ring around their finger. Then they feel like eating wedding cake for the rest of their lives and you're stuck with her, as the ring is stuck on her chubby finger. Forever. Muahahahahahahaha (love being a girl,it's like you have a license to shit inside mens hearts. That's why I think Beyonce has no intention to put on those gym shorts just yet...)

Get skinny xxonlytogetfatagain

about that food voucher...

My new bedding

Whilst watching the trailers for Titanic, which was emotional enough because I had to eat fruit instad of popcorn. A movie featuring Zac Efron came up, since when did he become so buff?? I think this is why my diet is going so wrong! My diet inspiration is wrong, its Zac Efron i've been longing for! Well that, and the fact that it always rains in this country, im constantly missing gym classes because of cancelled trains. WHY ENGLISH PEOPLE CANT HANDLE THE WEATHER ILL NEVER KNOW. I think we just have laziness in our genes.

How did he go from this...

... to THIS??

Regardless of his new body, the only problem with Zac is that he is only 170cm. One thing as unattractive as fat is shortness! AINT NO AMOUNT OF WEIGHTS GONNA MAKE YOU GROW. Either way, he is my new weight loss inspiration. All hail Efron.

Get Skinny xx becasuesandrahasawaistandidont

Plenty of fish in Titanic

Titanic. What can I say? If crying burns calories, then that movie experience can be compared to a spinning class. I was in the cinema, literally hyperventilating, trying to calm myself: 'Sandra, do remember that this is a fitive movie, a fat girl would never get a guy in real life'

That's why it's such a great love story: Fat girl gets guy for a day. Guy dies. (Yes she is fat I think? She's wearing a corset and STILL doesn't have a waist).

In the que for the tickets Flick said to me: 'I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for this'. Not to see the movie. To buy the tickets WITHOUT buying popcorn aswell. The receipt of our 3D glasses accidentally said 'Food voucher'. God! Why do you hate fat people so much?

This movie determined us to be single forever. As now, our dating site guy standards are sky high: 'YOU BETTER NOT MESSAGE ME IF YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO DIE FOR ME MR-2-HOT-2-HANDLE88'

Get skinny xx loveujackxxxxxxxxx

Fat challenge

The next biggest challenge of being fat are by no doubt the holidays. Why can't there be a holiday that forces you to eat fruits?

The biggest challenge however, is McDonald's Monopoly-week. Every year, after easter, this campaign runs for 7 weeks. You get a sticker with every McD purchase and the chances of winning a Big Mac are pretty high. Don't give this to people who are on a diet! I just want to eat my 162 kcal grilled chicken salad! Cause though you're losing weight, you're brain is still a fat person's. It's still hard to resist food, almost impossible when the food is for free!

Last year this time, I worked at McDonald's. Yep. A fat person knows how to get her fast food, for free. And even more of it, as I used to steal those stickers. Those were the days....When I gained the weight I'm still trying to get rid of today.




A fat person's first thought of spurs: 'Can you cut pizza with these?'

Get skinny xxIdidgetafreeporridgestickerxx

If Beyonce calls you fat...

Being a fashion student (believe it or not) clothes are supposed to be my only friend. Recently this cannot be further from the truth. 

Incident 1:

I had to go to a hotel in the country side with my sister, being bored as fuck i decided to go into the local town (idk why i did it, it was a half an hour walk. Goes against every one of my morals.)

I get to topman, what do i see? BEYONCE TSHIRT. I didn't think it was possible for such a beautiful t-shirt to exist.

Ofcourse, fatties don't deserve nice things, and the biggest size didn't fit. 

Incident 2:

It was my friends 20th birthday and we were going to a club, I wore the trainers below. 

Once we got there the bouncer said, 

"Sorry, you wont get in with them, they're to sporty."

 My reply?

"Sporty??? Have you not seen my mid-rift???"

I had to change my shoes regardless.

Then once i got in and the security guard was patting me down, he found i was wearing spanx. I had to explain to a butch bald man as the what and why i was wearing spanx. 

Most embarrassing/awkward conversation I've ever had.

I think from now on I'm just going to stay inside my house.

Don't want to see people again.

Get Skinny xx becauselifeishardforfatboys

Stocking up Spanx for summer

Already four months in and still haven't reached my target weight and if I'm honest i think Ive gained. My best bet is pretending to be skinny by wearing my spanx everyday as if its my own skin.
That would be an amazing idea if after a long day at work i didn't take them off to find a bruise on my penis... yeh, that's right, my penis. Biggest shock to a man is finding ANY mark of there manhood.
THE JOY OF WEARING SPANX MADE FOR WOMEN. Who knew they literally only fit vagina's.
This is what i get for breaking the 9th commandment. 

By the fact i haven't lost any weight, I think its time for a new diet strategy. If i stay true to my diet inspiration and only work on my arms, everybody will presume my fat is muscle, problem solved. All i need now are protein shakes.
Although i do agree with Sandra, a shake without ice cream seems a challenge.

Ill be doing weights in the gym with guys and making some MAN friends, fuck the fact i have about twenty hundred girl friends. Although it might get a bit awkward in the changing rooms when after my shower I'm forcing on some spanx. I don't think straight men take to kindly to that kind of behaviour.

I'm excited for the bench press competitions with the lads and challenging each other to who can do the most. I'm especially excited for when Sandra gets jealous and decides she can do it better than me and ends up with bugling muscles. Although drinks down the pub will be awkward, ill be drinking cranberry juice whilst they're drinking pints. Nothing says gay like cranberry juice.

I will regret this one day

And if I'm honest i don't think they make me look skinny enough for it to be worth having a bruised penis every day.

Get Skinny xx becauseallyoureffortsareuseless

Dieting part 2

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Dieting

The longer you're on diet, the more it confuses you.

These are just a few of the questions spinning in my head regarding the subject:

Can you put botox in your thighs?? I find it SO embarrasing when they start vibrating. As soon as the music is put on. And then, when I actually start moving......*kill me now*

Can you put deodorant on your ass? Why is it that I'm the only one in the class who always looks like I've wet myself? Why is everyone else wearing black gym shorts???

Protein shakes??????? Just a big question mark for me. Surely you need ice cream to make a shake?


Makes me wonder alot but that's fine cause apparently thinkin burns calories.

Get skinny xxeasterisabitchxx

too fat for fun

The irony of working in a fancy dress shop and having the shittest costume at a fancy dress fun run.
Yes, I did do a fun run, i do have a heart. I raised money for charity with EXERSIZE. I stupidly throught i would be able to leave my costume to the last minute as because im me it would have to turn out amazing. Well suprise suprise, it didnt. I looked like a out of date onion in a doctors coat.
Its at times like these i find it hard to defend myself. Every costume i like is labeled, 'one size fits most'. And believe me ive tried, i do not fall under the 'most' category.
My last resort? facepaint.
When all else fails, use face paint.
When your waistline is too big, use face paint.

Being a reader of this blog you cant judge me. Im fat its unfair, nothing fits!
No fun for fatties.
I was suppost to be the lizard doctor from Spider Man. Yeh, not even I can see it.

Get Skinny xx bytryingtodoagoodthingbutlookinglikeatwatdoingit

Why i love gay spinning teachers.

My greatly anticipated return to the gym happend this week and what better why to be introduced back than to have a gay spinning teacher. For once i am not going to bitch about my gay amigos, but praise.
The teacher was a stocky guy with a shaved head (balding actually) who was pretty fucking brutal when it came to teaching spinning. At one point he was bending down at my pedels calling and shouting, "GO HARDER!" almost as embarrassing as when my manager told me i would never be able to fo BFI. Lets see what Kelly Rowland has to say about that.
Well anyway, when i first saw him i didn't think he was gay, but then his choice of music came on. ONLY for me to hear a mixture of Madonna, Lady Gaga and Queen. STILL unsure of his sexuality as of the shaved head and powerful teaching method, i was sold when he started singing along to 'Vogue'. Mystery solved.
I think he was one of those, 'Im gay but im still a manlier man than you'll ever be' gays.
It literally was like Gay Pride hit the gym. Thank god i didn't have Grindr i think my phone would have exploded, and its new, i dont want that.
Only i would get a phone that you only have to talk into for it to do things. Cant even be bothered to press the keys.
Im going to try and keep up my gym classes, especially spinning, i think its my favorite class cos its the only thing i can do better than Sandra.
OH yeh, Im also running 5k on Sunday in fancy dress. wtf am i doing??
whatever.

Get Skinny xx

Why you shouldn't forget your towel (From an English woman's persperctive)

Whereas I only realized that I forgot my towel when I was already fully naked, an English rose would notice before as she NEEDS the towel to undress herself.

The English lady goes to the gym with her best friend. The BFF has a towel. To share a towel with her is not even an option (It surely makes you lesbian as havin piece of cloth touch your fanny after hers means you've had sex). What does a classy English rose do?

Dry herself with a hair dryer. Yes, it's Friday and she's changin into club clothing but she is blow drying her hair to get rid of the sweat.

Gurrl............Ya REEEALLY think ya're Sistas for life?? See Kelly Rowland wud share wid Beyonce like HEEEELL YEH.

I bet a tenner that your 'friend' will 'lose' you on the dancefloor(stink bomb).

Why you shouldn't forget your towel

I'm Finnish and have no problem with nudity. More people have seen me naked, than seen me wear trousers. It's not because I'm happy with how I look naked, it's because I've been brought up surrounded by nudity and KNOW that everyone looks shit naked.

When I first started goin to the gym in London, I was lost in the changing rooms trying to find the showers. I needed to ask for directions. 'It's there, right behind you'. I turn around, it's the room I've been walking past a few times as I thought the cubicles were TOILETS. The showers in Finnish gyms are big rooms with multiple showers. There you stand bum to bum, judging each other's cellulite and getting to know who's bra is padded and who's not. I bet even the prisons in England don't have showers like this.

Well the changing rooms in London gyms are awkward places. You see women struggling holding their towel up and putting knickers on at the same time. That's why everyone stares at you, because you look stupid and are about to trip, not because they're lesbians.

I've noticed that the further South you go, the more protective people get of their bodies. Today I was at Lewisham gym. Well, they're zumba teacher might be a tranny but I bet that makes those Big Mummas go church one extra time a week, cause they like no white booty in their face! The moment I take my bra off and reveal my pierced nipples, I have people changin lockers from near me. When I'm fully naked, I realize that forgot my towel.

What to do now? My options are:

a) Go to the shower in my bra (Ok this is not even an option AS ENGLISH WOMEN SEE THIS AS COMPULSORY)

new a) towel myself with the clothing I was wearing
b) towel myself with the clothing I'm about to wear

You see, both options suck. I don't want to stink of sweat and I don't want to wear wet clothes. Also, I'm already naked SOOOOO

I see the walk to the showers as my runway. left, right, left, right, pose. I shower. I leave the shower (past the 'please towel yourself' sign) with wet footprints. I'm at my locker soakin wet. What do I do now?

The same as dogs do wet. Or what you could also call it:

THE BEYONCE RAINDANCE



Putting clothes on when I over hear these two girls who probably are best friends. One of them is getting changed in a corner which can be isolated with a curtain(why you guys have these in your gym goes beyond my brain capasity...) an she's to her friend like 'promise you're not gona watch!!'. Gurrl................YA THINK KELLY ROWLAND AINT SEEN MAMA B'S PUSSY????? YOU AINT NO FRIENDZ IF YOU AINT SEEN YA SISTA'S PUSSY I'M TELLIN Y'ALL



My BFF.

Get skinny x

New week, new body

Fitness Fail has been in coma. Food coma.

We've been busy pourin pringles down our throats (yeh like our hands would fit in those tubes...). Flick has gone so far he's thinkin JustEat.co.uk are makin fun of him askin for his postcode everytime when they SURELY know it cause they've been visiting him twice a day.

However. Today I changed my ways. Am on this diet called 'No men, no carbs, no alcohol'.

Means unlimited amount of lesbians, quark and water. Shit loads of body combat which is this wicked class where women pretend killing males with imaginary swords. I'm allowed five meals a day. 'Meals':

Morning: Porridge with milk
Lunch: 1 can of tuna, pot of cottage cheese, half a cucumber and 3 tomatoes
'Snack': Pot of quark
Dinner: See Lunch
'Snack': See 'Snack'

2-3 hours between every meal. 'Meal'.

Ok. Can't take all credit. I didn't come up with this diet. Only re-named it.



This is Jutta Gustafsberg, the woman behind it. Finnish of course. She decided to become a body builder after her husband died in a boat accident. Guess she started to miss stroking abs??

Get skinny xxNEEDNOMANxx

I havent died of high cholesterol

Being fat and looking good is starting to become a problem.
Ive got to the point now where i only leave the house in baggy jeans and a jumper. For the life of me i cannot find a piece of clothing that looks good on my Moomin physique.
So, what i do? Go clothes shopping. What do i buy? Accessoires. Even when i try to get new clothes i still cant find anything that fits/looks good/isnt£££££.
I seem to have accumulated so many necklaces, rings, hats and bracelets its unbelievable. I DONT EVEN WEAR BRACELETS. And as for the rings, they are a risky business. One day they fit, the next they dont.
In fact, the only accessory i ever wore was a necklace that went over your whole body, it was called a harness by the manufacturer. It was quite cool, id wear it when i went out to snazz things up a bit. Ive been out in it quite a few times with Sandra, only for her to tell me recently tell me that it makes my boobs look bigger. Oh the joy. What am i too do? I thought accessories didn't have a weight limit? I suppose i was wrong.

Get Skinny xxx nothingfits

hate my life 2

Shaved off a chunk of my finger nail when shaving my vagina in the gym shower. Another reason for why I love being a woman, another reason I love going to the gym.

I've had enough.

hate my life

This post is written honouring International Women's day. Let's call it 'Why I love being a woman -period thru my gym shorts'

That is enough for this time I think. And yes, no pictures.

Get skin....Nah just give up

FFS

=Fat, Furious and Single.

All fat people are desperate. I used to think that it was quite desperate to have a profile on a dating site (read five). Until I was about to delete mine, but couldn't do so without giving a specific reason. I had to choose from a list with reasons like 'I found someone'.

Well, the most suitable for me was 'I give up'. I clicked on it, doing the L sign on my forehead at the same time.

Now there's no thing I'd classify as 'desperate'. You know you're desperate when you pay to travel for someone to spread your thighs and touch your vagina. You heard right, team FFS went down to Brighton!



I was well prepared.

''me: fuck im afraid im on my period 3.3

flick: gona have a christina aguilera moment in your casting

me: more like a scene from ER. ''

So I had to get the pill to change my period cycle. Of course I wasn't on the pill before: no need as fat people do not get laid. Scenario from the health centre:

-oh so you found a nice boyfriend to have regular sex with?

-nah the only thing goin into my vagina is clay

*awkward silence*




The cast of my vagina was meant to feature on the Great Wall of Vagina- exhibition, but when the artist asked me 'Sooo, where are you from(you do undestand how difficult small talk was in this situation)? and got 'Finland' as the answer, he became happy. It came out he's next vulva showcase, is gona be one where there's one fanny representig each country.

He asked me if I wanted to be Miss Finland.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANT TO ME. The reason behind all these attempts of losing weight and growing my hair, was of course to one day become Miss Finland. Who knew, that all it took, was just to pull your pants down!



There she is! Miss Pussy Finland. An overall good representant, as Finnish design is known for it's simplicity, clear lines and functionality. An inner beauty (literally).

Get skinny *boysrememberfatgirlscanhavenicevaginas*

Phobia (1)

Today had be thinking about phobias. We all have them, there is no need to deny them.
I was thinking about them because a friend of mine was freaking out when i took off one of my shoes, I was like, 'what the hells up?' I had a hole in my sock. Who knew that was a thing?? So i thought i must have one of these odd phobias. I thought for hours and nothing. Then it hit me, i couldn't think of it because it was all around me.

FAT.

Being surrounded by it all the time naturally you build an immunity to its being. Its why being fat is so dangerous. You dont notice its their unless your bitchy friends tell you it is. However your best friends will tell you 'you've filled out, it suits you.' So, sounds like you had friends when you were skinny, now your fat you may find they've shrunk out, unlike your waist. And we all know how Me and Sandra are only friends with each other. I dont even have the energy to post the 'Forever Alone' picture.

Get Skinny xx

oh fuck

Oh well. My life is pretty shit atm.

a) Bought this magazine called Women's health. It said stuff like 'you can have your odd Mars bar -just have it with an apple' and that binge eating won't make too much harm. Ok. I've lived by these rules for the last two weeks (forget the apple, that surely is a 30 extra calories??)and my jeans aren't happy.

b) Bought a Beyonce t shirt. Texted Flick like 'I would have bought you one but they're all ladies slim fit'. Come home. LADIES SLIM FIT HONESTLY SANDRA?? Sincerely thinkin I would fit in this, AND THAT IT WOULD BE LOOSE, I cut the arm holes wider and neck aswell ('this will look so good with cropped jeans shorts and tanned skin on summer!!'). Try it on. It's like a bra.

c) Goin Vagina casting on saturday. Just realizd how pathetic that is. I'm so desperate I'm payin to go Brighton for someone to spare my legs and touch my vagina.

There's a light side thou(thank god). Last week when I went out with alex (post below)(ok no need for specifyin 'with alex' I think you know by now that he's my only friend) he told me the next day that I fell face down on the ground. MY FACE!!! Thank GOD it's still on its place! What sucks more than bein fat, is bein fat AND havin an ugly face. I mean, if it wasn't for Adele's face, she would just be a Susan Boyle, right?

Get skinny xx

A week of events told by me

You would think given my absence this last week i would have lots to tell you. The sad but true reality is, i don't. I'm still single as fuck and my work out routine is in decline.
So, as you all know it was London Fashion Week last week and accordingly i didn't have time to go to the gym, it ended last week and my infamous return to the gym still hasn't happened, i'm starting to realize i cant blame to fact it was Fashion Week any longer for not going to the gym.
This time last week, Wednesday night, me and Sandra went out in London, and i'm gonna tell the short version of this story. A disgusting looking guy came up to her and starting flirting (she still hardly knows any of this btw) he tried to kiss her etc, Sandra was resistant. After about five minutes of his failed attempts I ended up getting in a fight with him. Started by me. I kept telling myself to only reason i got into a fight was to protect Sandras honor, but really i think it was because she was getting attention and i wasn't?

On the subject of attention, I joined Plenty Of Fish. A dating site. Still haven't got any messages even thought i joined a week ago and have a bad-ass profile pic and description. Anyway, the point of me telling you this is as follows; I sent a guy a message on it because i saw he lived in the area i grew up in, "Hey, I find it so funny when i see people on here who are from where i grew up, so cute." Of course i got no reply. Now a week later i get on a bus in 'from where i grew up', am on it for about five minutes and then look to my left and see, none other than the guy who ignored me on POF, honestly the feeling of wanting to die was unreal. Lucky i have different hair to the style i have in my pictures on the site so maybe he didn't recognize me?

Lesson Learnt: If you fat, your fat. Not even a dating site will get you a boyfriend.

Sandra hasn't seen this either... Thats him.

Get Skinny xxx

There is a God?

Diet doesn't include the word 'die' for no reason. Vegetables have made me so fuckin depressed I'm thinkin 'what's the point??' The heavier you are, the more quicker and painfree it is to hang yourself anyway.

This week has been so bad. I've been trying to book gym sessions, but classes keep gettin full in no time. Then when I try to go to a class you don't need to book in advance, TFL fuck me up (twats for life????) and I get there when the class finishes. Today(MORNING CLASS, EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH FAT PEOPLE LIKE TO SLEEP) I got to gym in time. And the class is cancelled!

I go to Mcdonald's. Staying strong thou mad at the world. Get a chicken salad. Start eating it. Enjoying it, but when I finishe I was like wait a minute....THERE WAS NO CHICKEN IN MY SALAD. (You know you're fat when stuff like this happen. Me and Flick used to live together, when we had dinner we couldn't tell if it was ham or chicken we ate. Food starts to taste the same.)

Seriously Jesus??Is this what get for paying tax to the church??? Are you having a laugh???

Then I get home. Watch Only way is Essex and they discuss this:



Camelflage underwear to prevent you from getting a cameltoe for only 19.99. There is a God after all.

Get skinny xbygointothegymwithoutacameltoex

A Day Of Romance

When i say today has been a day of romance. I literally mean it was worst than valentines day. The worst part is is that it was always against me.

A new guy started at work today, we all got introduced to him and then at the end, "Oh yeh, its Rachels boyfriend." soooooo great i now have to see public displays of effection around where i work. But that wasn't the worst of it. I had to share a break with him and Rachel. Yeh, that was a whole 30 minutes of watching them share their sandwiches and kiss while i sit on the outskirt.
So then later on in the day, im talking with my friend and I started going on about being alone. She then tells me, oh yeh, by brother is gay too. I was like. oooooohkay? She then discribes him; rich, blonde, muscular. I was their like, WHAT? Why havent I met him? Then her next sentence, "Oh, and his boyfriends name is Alex." I actually almost cried. (fyi my first name is Alex).  Literally EVERYONE has a bf but me. #KillMeNow.
Why is God always reminding me of how single i am!?

When i got home i text Sandra, 'Fuck gym, I hate life, I gonna go eat chips. Its the dieting persons equivalent of hanging themselves.'
Well anyway, Im going to Hampton Court tomorrow, theres nooses there right? Also, i've convinced myself i fancy gingers, my way of trying to find someone in my league.

Get Skinny xx weblamegodcoswedontwanttoblameourselves

A Fashionable Fail

Now that London Fashion Week is over, i can officially get back into my normal routine. In that sense i mean i havent been to the gym once this week. I havent felt this fat in a long time.
But since im free and i can think straight once again i am going to tell you another one of my childhood stories, it kind of adds on from the last one so you may want to refresh your memories of it first.

When i was a kid, lunch time was the best time. Knowing that i had a hour a day whilst at school totally committed to food was amazing.
My mum is known for making shit lunches but sometimes on the odd occasion she would pack Pringles and chocolates and all manor of amazing foods. Last time this happened to me i gave it all away out of confusion. This time, I was not making this same mistake. So, there i was in my seat with a tower of food to get through. The excitement was immense. Thus I begun making my way through my lunch box.
As i was coming to the end of my feast, the last few crisps, something happened. My chair broke beneath me and I fell to the floor like a beached whale. It was not my finest hour. This is what God does to fat kids. Be warned.

Get Skinny xx

R.I.P

So i was thinking at work last week about something. Sandra had told me that she had seen a box that said 'pens' and thought it said 'penis'. I had seen the same box, and must admit, i had to double take. It thought it said penis too. Then it hit me. How ALONE must we be to be seeing the word penis where it clearly is not.

Well, as Sandra said, Its London Fashion Week and being the 'fashionista' (5inchanddown) that i am. I am helping backstage at some of the shows. Yes, thats right, even fatties get let in backstage, but backstage only. Now, tomorrow is gonna be hard, i am dressing for the Mens Shows. Me in a room, full of naked men (i know i always am when im in the gym changing room) BUT this is different, they are models! Luckily i will be wearing my Spanx tomorrow which will be too tight to allow any sort of 'crouch malfunction' ill walk in backstage single and come out with a brand new model boyfriend, i know it. Ha, but seriously, ill still be single as fuck this time tomorrow night.

Anyway, talking of crouch malfunctions I shared a taxi with model Alex Dunstan yesterday, he is a nice guy. But as i was getting into the taxi i slid across the taxi seat and my jeans ripped! WHAT! only this would happen to me!! My jeans rip infront of a famous model. fml. i deserve to be single?

Tip: make sure photos come out blurry so no one can see your real weight.

Get Skinny xx fashionweekisthebesttimetobefat

Camel toeing through LFW

London Fashion Week! What a fabulous time to be fat!

In honour to that, I'm introducing all jeans that give me a camel toe. Remember, when Paddy called Amy Child unladylike when explaining to him what a camel toe is?

*Awkward silence*

Well.... I do, which is pretty sad. Tells probably of how big of a part Camel Toe is in my life. The only thing touching my vagina *mentally breaking down when remembering that you're fat and single*

To the point. First of all, have to say, I had to use a hanger with clips as my trousers were too big for a normal hanger..

In no particular order:



All cool people own a pair of Cheap Mondays. Own. Doesn't mean you have to fit into and wear them.



These bad boys are soo tight down there! I can only wear them with a long shirt. I wore these jeans at work, on the day I was given a work t-shirt. FFS. Rest of the day I slided between shelfs(Like the library scene from Harry Potter playstation game!)(*Awkward silence* We fat people know our video games), walking backwards. Serving customer's with my back towards them.


Cute? Maybe one day...


2015.Let's be realistic.


One of those 'Oh nice pair of baggy jeans' and they don't fit above your knees.


What you do with jeans that cannot fit above your knees. Make shorts out of them.


Too bad you cannot cut away a camel toe.


After wearing these my lips are as blue as the shorts are. The other lips.



And this camel toe.......Is famous in Finland after appearing as a one page size image in the newspaper:




These I do wear. They do give me camel toe, but it's not as in your face because the shorts are black. The label is named 'Bitches and junkfood' so the camel toe might be in the pattern, no?

Ok. That's all my camel toe jeans. With other words, all my jeans. *sigh*

ALSO:



These shorts are STRETCHY. STILL GIVING ME A FUCKING CAMEL TOE. Hope flames are still in fashion year 2015. OI 3rd of March I'm getting my vagina casted. SO stay tuned for the stripped down Camel toe post!

Get skinny xxx who are we tryin to fool? fuck fashion week, happy pancake day!

This body didn't come for free!

Being a kid is hard. Being a fat kid is harder. You just were born and already hated, as you first rip your mum's vagina. AND THEN it comes out you're too big to still fit out, so her stomach has to be scalpelled too. No day passes by without your mum reminding you of why she can't wear a bikini.

Being a kid in Finland is hard. First you have to ski to school. Then you have a free lunch (potato, reindeer, lingon berries) with dessert (more lingon berries). All before 10.30AM and less than two hours after you had a proper Finnish breakfast with porridge and lingon berries, egg and open sandwiches(This body surely didn't come for free!)

Imagine a queue of Finnish seven year olds in matching reindeer skin boots. Holding their plates steady, as waiting for their time to grab some fish fingers. Piece of paper saying max. 2.

Max. 2? Kinda makes sense in a Britons head maybe when a Finnish kid logically shouldn't even be hungry, but it's 3 hours til we get food next time! And the next lesson is 'Skiing'!! I swallow my pride, take only two fish fingers. Go to my place. Eat them. About to get two more. Surely no one saw I've already eaten?

Go to the fish finger counter. I meet another shameless kid who is tryin to secretly get some more. She takes three fish fingers. I'm in shock. I tell her: 'Hey can you read? (We were seven, maybe she couldn't) You can only take 2 fish fingers!'. She tuns to me: 'That only means on the first round. Surely'.

That was Hallelujah to my ears. If you succeed to eat two fish fngers on round one, the sky becomes the limit. I start placing fish finger after fish finger on my plate, til no fish fingers can fit anymore. I the end they're 14 in total (I already had 5 potatoes and a pile of lingon berries). I go proudly to my seat. My proudness did unfortunately not go past unnoticed. The head teacher sits down next to me:

-Sandra. What is this!
-I'm hungry (Really I wasn't, this was all about winning the other girl. Finnish elemetary school version of Mean Girls)
-You better eat all of that! Think about the kids in Africa!(Now this is a typical saying in Finland to teach kids to finish their plates. This works as we have no black kids. We've only seen them on TV and we know they're starving. Question is, would they even want to eat Finnih food??? Do you know of any Finnish food restaurants outside of Finland??? The don't exist...for a reason)
I sit there quiet. Little did she know.....That this was no challenge.



Teacher now knew to never mess with me again.

Get skinny xx byeatingmorepussythanout