Sunday, 29 December 2013

You know you're fat when.....



You misheard the lyrics:

Girl you really got me now,

you got me so I don't know what I'm chewing

Thursday, 12 December 2013

That ass

I was on my bicycle thinking Jesus! I need a pillow! This seat feels so hard!

How come? I've been cyclin fo ages and the seat has bee fine... Can it be.....That my ass has become hard?

*Slap*

Oh yeah.It's quite hard! How did this happen? All the hard work at gym classes squeezing my ass trying to hold a fart must have paid off!

My ass is still big. But it's behind me, so I don't reeeeeeeally care.



And neither does Beyonce!

Monday, 9 December 2013

Start first and finish last

I’m at a cruise buffet for the second time within a week. So you can see this as a part 2 to previous post.

I consider myself as an expert buffet eater. These are my advice to beginners:

1. Arrive early. Cruise buffets only allow you to sit for 2 hours. At this time I advice not to make slash take any phone calls, you already eat slower than at a normal buffet because the food is actually hot. I tell you to even swith your phone completely off: this way you will think time flies quicker and you will be full before you discover a clock on the wall. And it reveals you still have another hour left!

(Also, being first is the closest real life event you can get to the feeling Belle had in Beauty and the Beast where chandelliers removed cloths from food plates and sang ‘Be my guest’)

2. Make sure you discover the place properly. Nothing is sadder than noticing yet another table of food treasures just when leaving.

3. Can’t make up your mind bout whether to take red wine or white? Luckily, the buffet gives you two wine glasses: take both! And you’ll save time by pressing both options at the same time! Juice glasses are available next to the juice machine. Fill one with orange juice to make sangria, and deliver another one to the beer tap.

4. Do not wear trousers. And ladies: DO NOT WEAR A BRA. Your full stomach will expand the ribs cage, which will make you feel extremely uncomfortable and you will not use your eating capability to the maximum. Bikini tops are no good too, they do also explode when chucking enough of those pizza slices...... been there done that

5. Wear low shoes. Nothing is more awkward than trying to reach a low tabled kids buffet (only place with fries!) with triple sole creepers.

6. The servers go around removing your empty plates, so you can take a new plate and without shame start another round. They will also ask you ‘Ready for another round?’ with a tone assuming you’d laugh back and shout out ‘NO’. Instead, answer back with an ‘ok sir’, in a tone that says ‘this is no challenge…’.

7. Eat, eat, eat. When you feel like exploding, eat a bit more. The cruise buffet is planned so that you’ll reach the ice cream table at the last (genius!). So, if you happen to throw up, it will be a rather joyful and refreshing experience as the icecream will still be cold travelling up your troath. And this way you’ll be ready to start the entire round again.

8. Get a cabin from underneath the vehicle deck. These cabins have fake windows (mine shows a caribbean beach) and you can spend the rest of the evening naked as no clothes are comfortable anymore.

Good luck!

Sunday, 8 December 2013

ffs

I'm working on Christmas eve. I'm trying so hard to be on a diet, then destiny things like this happens to make my diet easier.

well fuck you destiny!

I'm on a cruise. cruises are the best! My grandma used to say the happiest day in her life was at the buffet on a ferry to sweden. she is dead now, and all my life I pitied her, thinking she was a poor lady for nominating that particular day as the highlight of her life. but oh boy, when I entered the door to a cruise buffet for the first time in my life! those buffets.......are not just any buffets..... They are buffets WITHIN buffets: dessert buffet, cheese buffet, meat buffet etc. all you can eat principle includes also the alcohol: wine and beer is served draft in soda machines.

and this is not all....the helsinki-stockholm ferry ride takes o long you'll have the chance to experience TWO buffets: dinner AND breakfast. am I in heaven?

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

One night of pure drunkeness

equals two weeks off from the gym #fml #fatforever



I'm too afraid to let my mingy dad know that I'm paying for a gym card I cannot use. In my childhood I wanted a season card to the amusement park Wasalandia. I whined until I finally got it. I was super happy. until I realized his plan. He saw the card as an investment. He made me go there everyday for the card to be as profitable as possible.

Haven't been to Wasalandia ever since.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

oh wow

The fat moment of the year:

I work in a restaurant okay. Last night I was thirsty so I grabbed a glass and had some water. Me to my colleague:

'Did we have a new glass delivery? These glasses taste new!'

Silence. (but yes we did)

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

A food related love story

I once took my friend to Hard rock cafe. Cause that's where I work. so I get 50 percent off. Goin to your work to eat doesnt mean that you'll save money. It mans you'll eat twice the amount you normally would somewhere else.

So we had appetizers, mains and dessert. So far this story is amazing. The bad thing is I had planned to go stay the night at a lovely boys house! Tip for the guys: If you're on a date with a girl and she finishes her food AND wants dessert, she has no intention to have sex with you. I was brave thou and went.

I was so full I had to take pain killers. Damn you nachos! We go to bed (him, me and my stomach).I find it very hard to sleep, mainly cause the only position I manage to breathe in is on my back. and I never sleep on my back. The man places his arm on my stomach. Oh no, wrong move! I press my hands to my mouth and run to the bathroom. I didn't make it to the toilet, so I threw up in the sink. Hands still blocking my mouth, the nachos came out from my nose. I look into the mirror. You sexy motherfucker.

I start cleaning my naked body with mr muscle and toilet duck. what a lucky bastard that guy is,I thought to myself. I go to bed glittering like the cleanest of toilet tiles. And you know what the best part is?

He called back. I've heard theories men fall in love with the help of their smell sense. Must have been the smell of nachos coming from my nose.

Monday, 11 November 2013

fat brain

Once in kindergarden, I remember having some peach cream dessert. It was orange, smelled like peach and tasted like peach. In my late teens I discovered the same consistence, the same smell and color...in a Lidl shampoo. In the shower, my curiosity took over. Yes, I had a taste. I came to realize that my childhood wasn't a hoax, no, we were not served shampoo at six years old. Since that,the beutifully smelling chocolate oat shower gels my gym provides hasn't been much of a problem. That changed thou, after a visit to Italy.

The amount of icecream flavours that country has to offer! In fact, there is so many flavours that they've ran out of flavours! So they expanded! To smells! Yes, crazy but true. I was to Italy. Had 'Rose' icecream. I could not possibly tell if it's rose flavoured,cause I've never eaten a rose, I thought. But when I had a spoonful, I could tell it was rose, cause bizarrely it tasted....like a smell? This is my craziest food related moment, it completely shook my senses. It made my brain fat.

Now when my friend introduced his new perfume, smelling of leather, I thought it smelled caramel. Whenever I'm at the gym I'm like 'why does it smell like popcorn in here?' Til I'm like... 'Oh, it's sweat'. My brain used to just not trust men, now it doesn't trust the eyes or the ears either! Women could do with just one hole. The mouth.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

I cracked the code

I visited London. Then I left and this is what happened.

Entire Picadilly line gets suspended. Without a plan b route, I blindly start to follow a flock of people with suitcases. Later I find myself almost entering an express train to Stansted. My plane leaves from Heathrow.

It’s five o’clock. I jump into a cab and say my plane leaves at six. Cab driver says I’m wasting my money, I say optimists live longer. He takes me to Paddington, where I get the Heathrow express. While men in suits read e-mails from their laptops, I empty my bag onto the seat next to mine and separate liquids into a tesco bag.

I’m at the airport 17.35. I try to check in to a check in that’s already closed. I run to a desk, saying I'VE ALREADY SEPARATED MY LIQUIDS. Lady in front of me gives a look to her colleague and says two words: Force boarding. Then turns to me: ‘Go up the stairs, turn right and run. Good luck’

I run, at the same time takin my jacket and shoes off, to the security check where a man already waits for me with boxes to throw my stuff in. The alarm sets of and I yell ‘MY NIPPLES ARE PIERCED’ and the lady replies ‘Go straight, turn right, run. Good luck’. I perform the deadliest run in my triple sole creepers and say good luck to everyone who passes me running. I get to a closed gate, where a man in walky talkie waves at me, saying ‘Sandra arrived’.

Sand-ra is the new She-ra.I wanna thank my personal trainer for my strong leg muscles, without them I wud not have made the critical run.



Ok, I do not have a personal trainer. That's why I'm not in my goal weight. Cause that's the well kept secret of great physique you know. Get a personal trainer and you will loose weight...because then you cannot afford to eat! I cracked the code! You're welcome.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

gym fart

Everyone knows the dancefloor fart. Packed club, shoulder rubbing with strangers, broken beer glasses. And the fart. As obvious to the night club experience as the vomiting just outside the club and two large big mac meals afterwards.

With this prologue, let me introduce the gym fart. Gym fart is a part of the group exercise class just like the dancefloor fart is a part of the night club. Except that: it's worse. A lot worse. What makes it worse, is that the gym floor isn't as packed. There's less people. And they're completely sober. This makes it easy to locate the fart.

For every gym farter out there (Some bodies were just made to be fat, and healthy food doesn't do good for your stomach) try Rose Jam shower gele from LUSH cosmetics. Makes your sweat smell like roses. Motivates you to sweat really hard, so that in case you fart, no one will notice.



Gym fart is not to be confused with the yoga fart. Yoga fart is a long, loud, pure fart produced by an old women trying to reach full relaxation.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

You know you're fat when..

3. You start studying film at uni. Just so you could one day make the superhero film you've always wanted to. Titled Felicia Fish fingers.

2. You like the fb page 'Fitspiration'. And you spend all your time liking their pics and statuses. When you could be out running for example.

1. You start taking Italian lessons. So that you could one day move there. Not because of the nice weather or beutiful men, but the endless amount of carbs that place has to offer.


the only word I can so far is gelato. quattro stagione I knew from before, it's number 4 on the menu of my local pizza place.

get skinny x

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

A FooL's apology

I work as a waitress. Try being on a diet when you're surrounded by burgers!

I'm a crap waitress. That's cause my relation to food is a fat person's. I don't particularly enjoy food, I don't even taste it. I just eat. Men objectify women, I objectify food. I don't have feelings for food. I eat when I'm bored. I'm no better than the men who never call me back. I'm a Food Lover. Shortened FooL. A FooL's booty call is opening the fridge door.

This is why up-selling, a skill crusial to a waitress, is something I suck at. Example:

'Wanna add some mayo? Cause....it matches your shirt?' I cannot separate a taste, therefore not describe one. I THINK PEPSI AND COKE TASTE THE SAME GOD DAMMIT.

'Try our Azul Rita! It's......blue!' A FooL describes beverages with outer characteristics. Just like men describe women.

Once I told a customer that our salmon is served with spargus. 'I love spargus!' she said and ordered that dish. When she asked for the bill, I had a quick look at the unfinished plate. And quickly realized that the veg I thought was spargus...... is actually called broccoli. A FooL doesn't memorise names of food they eat. Just like men.

Sorry.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Rax






Golden Rax Pizza buffet, is the finest all-you-can-eat place in Finland. And why does it deserve the front word 'Golden'? Cause it doesn't only serve pizza! There's chicken wings that taste like they've been touched by a thousand strangers, whole eggs and soup! Also, cheapest Corona in town. Served wihout a lime, in true Rax feel.

I have beautiful Rax memories. I've celebrated birthdays here and even my graduation party. Every independence day I'm here, thanking war veterans cause without them we'd not have a country, and therefore no Rax! I once ate so much my bikini top bursted. Once there was a dove in the restaurant.

When I started working at McDonald's, my boss said I was a natural at making sundaes. Not really. I'd had my practice. At Rax. Yes, they also have a self service ice cream machine, in other words, unlimited amount of ice cream too! Today was the day of 'fuksiaiset' here in Finland. That's a ceremony held for first year university students. It's super fun and a once in a lifetime experience. I missed it. When asked a reason by one of my classmates,I looked her deeply in the eye andreplied with a monotone voice: 'My soul is too old for that'. When in fact my reason was Rax. They opened a new theme week: Kid's week ('my soul is too old.....'HHAHAHAHAH). They serve marhmallows on pizza and star shaped chicken nuggets! Yes, it might keep on for three weeks, but I had to be there for the opening day. Today I ate so much I think I broke my eating record. Never before have I been so full that tears rolled down my cheek without me noticing it.

After the visit I went to the book store to buy a diet book. That alone made me feel like I lost a stone.



Be skinny. Tomorrow x

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

pay day

What I should buy: A gym membership

What I did buy: A year card to Sea Life.

Cause fish in tanks are beautiful! Almost as beautiful as in subway tuna sandwich or in rectangular shape with orange crust.



Remember this scene from Pinocchio? It was my favorite. Used to make me so hungry thou.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

excuses, excuses

I had some cakes today. That was not a spelling mistake. I actually mean CAKES.

I only eat cake on two occasions: When it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday. Today is an extra special not my birthday day. It's Beyonce's birthday.

Next picture is my birthday card to Beyonce. See my thigh? I think that's the closest a white girl can ever come to becoming Beyonce.



Now I'll have some cake. Don't you dare touch my platter.



Photo Astrid Lindroos. Tomorrow I'll go back to my squat filled life.

Monday, 2 September 2013

My boyfriend(s)

Hey stalker! Long time no stalking! How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. A lot of things have changed: I got shin splints from going to the gym TOO much, my cell phone got water damaged cause I had it in my sport bra while jogging and I finally have a long, blonde gym bitch ponytail. A lot has stayed the same: I still hear 'lunch' everytime the gym instructor says 'lunge'.

Let me introduce the only men who make me sweat:


I do quite a lot of kettlebell loving in my room. Once an old man waved at me. Maybe I should buy curtains.

Get some muscle x

I BELIEVE!!


Hi, my name's Flick, nice to meet you, again. 
Welcome to sandrahasanamazingbody.com/flickisgettingthere  

I have lost weight since I had the delight of posting on this blog. Ironically, both Sandra and I have lost more weight NOT posting on this damn blog that when we did. Which was one of the reasons we started it, 'If we have a blog about health and fitness we would HAVE to lose weight!' We thought it was a fool proof plan, obviously we were wrong. 

But never mind that, here we are now mentally stable enough to hold down a blog and a diet. So what's my excuse (apart from being mentally unstable when previously posting)? Well, I've finished university and am now considered a working adult, would you fucking believe it... And the reason the scales don't hate me anymore is because studying Fashion Design is an absolute bitch. I'm serious, the amount of times I've had to run around the streets of London dodging idiots and riding boris bikes to shops before they close to find the best leather. In hindsight it wasn't so bad considering I lost a few pounds and actually got my work done. 


One thing has changed this year, Sandra and I no longer live ten feet away from one and other. Im still in London and Sandra is back in the Land of Finn, causing mayhem and promoting her love for Beyonce i'm sure, that being said, I miss her. But I have more pals who keep me on the right side of insane. 

Anyway, that's enough of my excuses. 
I'll eat 5 Big Macs or some shit tomorrow and write about it. 

Get Skinny x