Monday, 23 April 2012

My body's too bootylicious

When I started my diet, my goal was to get a body like Beyonce. I'd say I'm pretty close now. Not because I've lost that much weight. But because Beyonce has gained some.

Ok she had a baby I know! But that was in 4 months ago. Just saying...

Cause we know what happens when celebrities(Ok Beyonce is basically God,but just saying) get fat. They lose their celebrity status. Christina Aguilera, does anyone remember her? She got married. Then got fat. This is the anwer to a question me and Flick have been thinking about for a looong time: How does fat girls get married?

Answer: They don't. They are slim and pretty, until the very moment they get a ring around their finger. Then they feel like eating wedding cake for the rest of their lives and you're stuck with her, as the ring is stuck on her chubby finger. Forever. Muahahahahahahaha (love being a girl,it's like you have a license to shit inside mens hearts. That's why I think Beyonce has no intention to put on those gym shorts just yet...)

Get skinny xxonlytogetfatagain

about that food voucher...

My new bedding
Whilst watching the trailers for Titanic, which was emotional enough because I had to eat fruit instad of popcorn. A movie featuring Zac Efron came up, since when did he become so buff?? I think this is why my diet is going so wrong! My diet inspiration is wrong, its Zac Efron i've been longing for! Well that, and the fact that it always rains in this country, im constantly missing gym classes because of cancelled trains. WHY ENGLISH PEOPLE CANT HANDLE THE WEATHER ILL NEVER KNOW. I think we just have laziness in our genes.

How did he go from this...

... to THIS??

Regardless of his new body, the only problem with Zac is that he is only 170cm. One thing as unattractive as fat is shortness! AINT NO AMOUNT OF WEIGHTS GONNA MAKE YOU GROW. Either way, he is my new weight loss inspiration. All hail Efron.

Get Skinny xx becasuesandrahasawaistandidont

Friday, 20 April 2012

Plenty of fish in Titanic

Titanic. What can I say? If crying burns calories, then that movie experience can be compared to a spinning class. I was in the cinema, literally hyperventilating, trying to calm myself: 'Sandra, do remember that this is a fitive movie, a fat girl would never get a guy in real life'

That's why it's such a great love story: Fat girl gets guy for a day. Guy dies. (Yes she is fat I think? She's wearing a corset and STILL doesn't have a waist).

In the que for the tickets Flick said to me: 'I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for this'. Not to see the movie. To buy the tickets WITHOUT buying popcorn aswell. The receipt of our 3D glasses accidentally said 'Food voucher'. God! Why do you hate fat people so much?

This movie determined us to be single forever. As now, our dating site guy standards are sky high: 'YOU BETTER NOT MESSAGE ME IF YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO DIE FOR ME MR-2-HOT-2-HANDLE88'

Get skinny xx loveujackxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Fat challenge

The next biggest challenge of being fat are by no doubt the holidays. Why can't there be a holiday that forces you to eat fruits?

The biggest challenge however, is McDonald's Monopoly-week. Every year, after easter, this campaign runs for 7 weeks. You get a sticker with every McD purchase and the chances of winning a Big Mac are pretty high. Don't give this to people who are on a diet! I just want to eat my 162 kcal grilled chicken salad! Cause though you're losing weight, you're brain is still a fat person's. It's still hard to resist food, almost impossible when the food is for free!

Last year this time, I worked at McDonald's. Yep. A fat person knows how to get her fast food, for free. And even more of it, as I used to steal those stickers. Those were the days....When I gained the weight I'm still trying to get rid of today.

A fat person's first thought of spurs: 'Can you cut pizza with these?'

Get skinny xxIdidgetafreeporridgestickerxx

Monday, 16 April 2012

If Beyonce calls you fat...

Being a fashion student (believe it or not) clothes are supposed to be my only friend. Recently this cannot be further from the truth. 

Incident 1:
I had to go to a hotel in the country side with my sister, being bored as fuck i decided to go into the local town (idk why i did it, it was a half an hour walk. Goes against every one of my morals.)
I get to topman, what do i see? BEYONCE TSHIRT. I didn't think it was possible for such a beautiful t-shirt to exist.
Ofcourse, fatties don't deserve nice things, and the biggest size didn't fit. 

Incident 2:
It was my friends 20th birthday and we were going to a club, I wore the trainers below. 
Once we got there the bouncer said, 
"Sorry, you wont get in with them, they're to sporty."
 My reply?
"Sporty??? Have you not seen my mid-rift???"
I had to change my shoes regardless.
Then once i got in and the security guard was patting me down, he found i was wearing spanx. I had to explain to a butch bald man as the what and why i was wearing spanx. 
Most embarrassing/awkward conversation I've ever had.

I think from now on I'm just going to stay inside my house.
Don't want to see people again.

Get Skinny xx becauselifeishardforfatboys

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Stocking up Spanx for summer

Already four months in and still haven't reached my target weight and if I'm honest i think Ive gained. My best bet is pretending to be skinny by wearing my spanx everyday as if its my own skin.
That would be an amazing idea if after a long day at work i didn't take them off to find a bruise on my penis... yeh, that's right, my penis. Biggest shock to a man is finding ANY mark of there manhood.
THE JOY OF WEARING SPANX MADE FOR WOMEN. Who knew they literally only fit vagina's.
This is what i get for breaking the 9th commandment. 

By the fact i haven't lost any weight, I think its time for a new diet strategy. If i stay true to my diet inspiration and only work on my arms, everybody will presume my fat is muscle, problem solved. All i need now are protein shakes.
Although i do agree with Sandra, a shake without ice cream seems a challenge.

Ill be doing weights in the gym with guys and making some MAN friends, fuck the fact i have about twenty hundred girl friends. Although it might get a bit awkward in the changing rooms when after my shower I'm forcing on some spanx. I don't think straight men take to kindly to that kind of behaviour.

I'm excited for the bench press competitions with the lads and challenging each other to who can do the most. I'm especially excited for when Sandra gets jealous and decides she can do it better than me and ends up with bugling muscles. Although drinks down the pub will be awkward, ill be drinking cranberry juice whilst they're drinking pints. Nothing says gay like cranberry juice.

I will regret this one day

And if I'm honest i don't think they make me look skinny enough for it to be worth having a bruised penis every day.

Get Skinny xx becauseallyoureffortsareuseless

Monday, 9 April 2012

Dieting part 2


Dieting for a while now, surely has had its ups and downs (all these holidays requring you to eat chocolate). I personally have tried Beyonce's juice diet, Kelly Rowland's 80-20 diet and the 'No men, no carbs, no alcohol' diet. With not so great success. In fact, the only diet that has ever worked, I made up myself. Or not 'made up', this sure did happen to me:

It's called 'Get drunk and lose eveything including yourself'

The GDALEIY-diet allows something that all other diets prohibit: Alcohol. Alcohol in itself is not the enemy. You go clubbing, you will burn all the calories consumed by drinkin plus you will throw up in the end of it. The baddie in this is the night food alcohol makes you crave. This is where the diet pops in! By 'getting drunk and losing everything includin yourself' (vodka is good in causing this, plus zero calories!) you will not have your wallet and be able to buy food! In fact, you will not get home cause you lost your keys! And your passport is gone! This means super massive expences which means you cannot afford eating for days and days to come!

I was on this diet once. It drives you to moral self thinkin and wondering if the night actually was worth it, but then you realize you've lost 3 kilos in a day and you're like HELL YEAH!!! I was in Finland at the time. Pros and cons about being on this diet in Finland:

+You can eat berries. Berries are everywhere
+You can steal a bike. Unlocked bikes are everywhere as this is a welfare country and no one wants anyone any harm.

-This is a welfare country. You lose your keys, means the entire house is in danger cause that one person who will find your keys will know exactly which house it belongs to and happens to be a massmurderer. You'll have to pay for your flat's lock to be replaced. Don't forget the front door and the doors leading to corridors.

Once everything is sorted, you'll still be in massive debt. That's why this diet works best when followed by the porridge-diet. Basically just eat porridge. This is only possible once and if you get home to your porridge. Good luck!

I'm currently on the porridge phase. Yep, this diet boom hit me again.
Note to self 1) Store stuff you cannot afford to lose in your vagina (for example a pack of the pill!!!!)
Note to self 2) Wear appropriate clothes. Remember you will not be able to get home for days and will wear this in day light.

btw blowjobs should be included in every diet (zero calories!)

Tulisa knows this.


The longer you're on diet, the more it confuses you.

These are just a few of the questions spinning in my head regarding the subject:

Can you put botox in your thighs?? I find it SO embarrasing when they start vibrating. As soon as the music is put on. And then, when I actually start moving......*kill me now*

Can you put deodorant on your ass? Why is it that I'm the only one in the class who always looks like I've wet myself? Why is everyone else wearing black gym shorts???

Protein shakes??????? Just a big question mark for me. Surely you need ice cream to make a shake?

Makes me wonder alot but that's fine cause apparently thinkin burns calories.

Get skinny xxeasterisabitchxx

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

too fat for fun

The irony of working in a fancy dress shop and having the shittest costume at a fancy dress fun run.
Yes, I did do a fun run, i do have a heart. I raised money for charity with EXERSIZE. I stupidly throught i would be able to leave my costume to the last minute as because im me it would have to turn out amazing. Well suprise suprise, it didnt. I looked like a out of date onion in a doctors coat.
Its at times like these i find it hard to defend myself. Every costume i like is labeled, 'one size fits most'. And believe me ive tried, i do not fall under the 'most' category.
My last resort? facepaint.
When all else fails, use face paint.
When your waistline is too big, use face paint.

Being a reader of this blog you cant judge me. Im fat its unfair, nothing fits!
No fun for fatties.
I was suppost to be the lizard doctor from Spider Man. Yeh, not even I can see it.

Get Skinny xx bytryingtodoagoodthingbutlookinglikeatwatdoingit