Tuesday, 19 November 2013

One night of pure drunkeness

equals two weeks off from the gym #fml #fatforever

I'm too afraid to let my mingy dad know that I'm paying for a gym card I cannot use. In my childhood I wanted a season card to the amusement park Wasalandia. I whined until I finally got it. I was super happy. until I realized his plan. He saw the card as an investment. He made me go there everyday for the card to be as profitable as possible.

Haven't been to Wasalandia ever since.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

oh wow

The fat moment of the year:

I work in a restaurant okay. Last night I was thirsty so I grabbed a glass and had some water. Me to my colleague:

'Did we have a new glass delivery? These glasses taste new!'

Silence. (but yes we did)

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

A food related love story

I once took my friend to Hard rock cafe. Cause that's where I work. so I get 50 percent off. Goin to your work to eat doesnt mean that you'll save money. It mans you'll eat twice the amount you normally would somewhere else.

So we had appetizers, mains and dessert. So far this story is amazing. The bad thing is I had planned to go stay the night at a lovely boys house! Tip for the guys: If you're on a date with a girl and she finishes her food AND wants dessert, she has no intention to have sex with you. I was brave thou and went.

I was so full I had to take pain killers. Damn you nachos! We go to bed (him, me and my stomach).I find it very hard to sleep, mainly cause the only position I manage to breathe in is on my back. and I never sleep on my back. The man places his arm on my stomach. Oh no, wrong move! I press my hands to my mouth and run to the bathroom. I didn't make it to the toilet, so I threw up in the sink. Hands still blocking my mouth, the nachos came out from my nose. I look into the mirror. You sexy motherfucker.

I start cleaning my naked body with mr muscle and toilet duck. what a lucky bastard that guy is,I thought to myself. I go to bed glittering like the cleanest of toilet tiles. And you know what the best part is?

He called back. I've heard theories men fall in love with the help of their smell sense. Must have been the smell of nachos coming from my nose.

Monday, 11 November 2013

fat brain

Once in kindergarden, I remember having some peach cream dessert. It was orange, smelled like peach and tasted like peach. In my late teens I discovered the same consistence, the same smell and color...in a Lidl shampoo. In the shower, my curiosity took over. Yes, I had a taste. I came to realize that my childhood wasn't a hoax, no, we were not served shampoo at six years old. Since that,the beutifully smelling chocolate oat shower gels my gym provides hasn't been much of a problem. That changed thou, after a visit to Italy.

The amount of icecream flavours that country has to offer! In fact, there is so many flavours that they've ran out of flavours! So they expanded! To smells! Yes, crazy but true. I was to Italy. Had 'Rose' icecream. I could not possibly tell if it's rose flavoured,cause I've never eaten a rose, I thought. But when I had a spoonful, I could tell it was rose, cause bizarrely it tasted....like a smell? This is my craziest food related moment, it completely shook my senses. It made my brain fat.

Now when my friend introduced his new perfume, smelling of leather, I thought it smelled caramel. Whenever I'm at the gym I'm like 'why does it smell like popcorn in here?' Til I'm like... 'Oh, it's sweat'. My brain used to just not trust men, now it doesn't trust the eyes or the ears either! Women could do with just one hole. The mouth.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

I cracked the code

I visited London. Then I left and this is what happened.

Entire Picadilly line gets suspended. Without a plan b route, I blindly start to follow a flock of people with suitcases. Later I find myself almost entering an express train to Stansted. My plane leaves from Heathrow.

It’s five o’clock. I jump into a cab and say my plane leaves at six. Cab driver says I’m wasting my money, I say optimists live longer. He takes me to Paddington, where I get the Heathrow express. While men in suits read e-mails from their laptops, I empty my bag onto the seat next to mine and separate liquids into a tesco bag.

I’m at the airport 17.35. I try to check in to a check in that’s already closed. I run to a desk, saying I'VE ALREADY SEPARATED MY LIQUIDS. Lady in front of me gives a look to her colleague and says two words: Force boarding. Then turns to me: ‘Go up the stairs, turn right and run. Good luck’

I run, at the same time takin my jacket and shoes off, to the security check where a man already waits for me with boxes to throw my stuff in. The alarm sets of and I yell ‘MY NIPPLES ARE PIERCED’ and the lady replies ‘Go straight, turn right, run. Good luck’. I perform the deadliest run in my triple sole creepers and say good luck to everyone who passes me running. I get to a closed gate, where a man in walky talkie waves at me, saying ‘Sandra arrived’.

Sand-ra is the new She-ra.I wanna thank my personal trainer for my strong leg muscles, without them I wud not have made the critical run.

Ok, I do not have a personal trainer. That's why I'm not in my goal weight. Cause that's the well kept secret of great physique you know. Get a personal trainer and you will loose weight...because then you cannot afford to eat! I cracked the code! You're welcome.