Stocking up Spanx for summer

Already four months in and still haven't reached my target weight and if I'm honest i think Ive gained. My best bet is pretending to be skinny by wearing my spanx everyday as if its my own skin.
That would be an amazing idea if after a long day at work i didn't take them off to find a bruise on my penis... yeh, that's right, my penis. Biggest shock to a man is finding ANY mark of there manhood.
THE JOY OF WEARING SPANX MADE FOR WOMEN. Who knew they literally only fit vagina's.
This is what i get for breaking the 9th commandment. 

By the fact i haven't lost any weight, I think its time for a new diet strategy. If i stay true to my diet inspiration and only work on my arms, everybody will presume my fat is muscle, problem solved. All i need now are protein shakes.
Although i do agree with Sandra, a shake without ice cream seems a challenge.

Ill be doing weights in the gym with guys and making some MAN friends, fuck the fact i have about twenty hundred girl friends. Although it might get a bit awkward in the changing rooms when after my shower I'm forcing on some spanx. I don't think straight men take to kindly to that kind of behaviour.

I'm excited for the bench press competitions with the lads and challenging each other to who can do the most. I'm especially excited for when Sandra gets jealous and decides she can do it better than me and ends up with bugling muscles. Although drinks down the pub will be awkward, ill be drinking cranberry juice whilst they're drinking pints. Nothing says gay like cranberry juice.

I will regret this one day

And if I'm honest i don't think they make me look skinny enough for it to be worth having a bruised penis every day.

Get Skinny xx becauseallyoureffortsareuseless

Dieting part 2

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Dieting

The longer you're on diet, the more it confuses you.

These are just a few of the questions spinning in my head regarding the subject:

Can you put botox in your thighs?? I find it SO embarrasing when they start vibrating. As soon as the music is put on. And then, when I actually start moving......*kill me now*

Can you put deodorant on your ass? Why is it that I'm the only one in the class who always looks like I've wet myself? Why is everyone else wearing black gym shorts???

Protein shakes??????? Just a big question mark for me. Surely you need ice cream to make a shake?


Makes me wonder alot but that's fine cause apparently thinkin burns calories.

Get skinny xxeasterisabitchxx

too fat for fun

The irony of working in a fancy dress shop and having the shittest costume at a fancy dress fun run.
Yes, I did do a fun run, i do have a heart. I raised money for charity with EXERSIZE. I stupidly throught i would be able to leave my costume to the last minute as because im me it would have to turn out amazing. Well suprise suprise, it didnt. I looked like a out of date onion in a doctors coat.
Its at times like these i find it hard to defend myself. Every costume i like is labeled, 'one size fits most'. And believe me ive tried, i do not fall under the 'most' category.
My last resort? facepaint.
When all else fails, use face paint.
When your waistline is too big, use face paint.

Being a reader of this blog you cant judge me. Im fat its unfair, nothing fits!
No fun for fatties.
I was suppost to be the lizard doctor from Spider Man. Yeh, not even I can see it.

Get Skinny xx bytryingtodoagoodthingbutlookinglikeatwatdoingit

Why i love gay spinning teachers.

My greatly anticipated return to the gym happend this week and what better why to be introduced back than to have a gay spinning teacher. For once i am not going to bitch about my gay amigos, but praise.
The teacher was a stocky guy with a shaved head (balding actually) who was pretty fucking brutal when it came to teaching spinning. At one point he was bending down at my pedels calling and shouting, "GO HARDER!" almost as embarrassing as when my manager told me i would never be able to fo BFI. Lets see what Kelly Rowland has to say about that.
Well anyway, when i first saw him i didn't think he was gay, but then his choice of music came on. ONLY for me to hear a mixture of Madonna, Lady Gaga and Queen. STILL unsure of his sexuality as of the shaved head and powerful teaching method, i was sold when he started singing along to 'Vogue'. Mystery solved.
I think he was one of those, 'Im gay but im still a manlier man than you'll ever be' gays.
It literally was like Gay Pride hit the gym. Thank god i didn't have Grindr i think my phone would have exploded, and its new, i dont want that.
Only i would get a phone that you only have to talk into for it to do things. Cant even be bothered to press the keys.
Im going to try and keep up my gym classes, especially spinning, i think its my favorite class cos its the only thing i can do better than Sandra.
OH yeh, Im also running 5k on Sunday in fancy dress. wtf am i doing??
whatever.

Get Skinny xx

Why you shouldn't forget your towel (From an English woman's persperctive)

Whereas I only realized that I forgot my towel when I was already fully naked, an English rose would notice before as she NEEDS the towel to undress herself.

The English lady goes to the gym with her best friend. The BFF has a towel. To share a towel with her is not even an option (It surely makes you lesbian as havin piece of cloth touch your fanny after hers means you've had sex). What does a classy English rose do?

Dry herself with a hair dryer. Yes, it's Friday and she's changin into club clothing but she is blow drying her hair to get rid of the sweat.

Gurrl............Ya REEEALLY think ya're Sistas for life?? See Kelly Rowland wud share wid Beyonce like HEEEELL YEH.

I bet a tenner that your 'friend' will 'lose' you on the dancefloor(stink bomb).

Why you shouldn't forget your towel

I'm Finnish and have no problem with nudity. More people have seen me naked, than seen me wear trousers. It's not because I'm happy with how I look naked, it's because I've been brought up surrounded by nudity and KNOW that everyone looks shit naked.

When I first started goin to the gym in London, I was lost in the changing rooms trying to find the showers. I needed to ask for directions. 'It's there, right behind you'. I turn around, it's the room I've been walking past a few times as I thought the cubicles were TOILETS. The showers in Finnish gyms are big rooms with multiple showers. There you stand bum to bum, judging each other's cellulite and getting to know who's bra is padded and who's not. I bet even the prisons in England don't have showers like this.

Well the changing rooms in London gyms are awkward places. You see women struggling holding their towel up and putting knickers on at the same time. That's why everyone stares at you, because you look stupid and are about to trip, not because they're lesbians.

I've noticed that the further South you go, the more protective people get of their bodies. Today I was at Lewisham gym. Well, they're zumba teacher might be a tranny but I bet that makes those Big Mummas go church one extra time a week, cause they like no white booty in their face! The moment I take my bra off and reveal my pierced nipples, I have people changin lockers from near me. When I'm fully naked, I realize that forgot my towel.

What to do now? My options are:

a) Go to the shower in my bra (Ok this is not even an option AS ENGLISH WOMEN SEE THIS AS COMPULSORY)

new a) towel myself with the clothing I was wearing
b) towel myself with the clothing I'm about to wear

You see, both options suck. I don't want to stink of sweat and I don't want to wear wet clothes. Also, I'm already naked SOOOOO

I see the walk to the showers as my runway. left, right, left, right, pose. I shower. I leave the shower (past the 'please towel yourself' sign) with wet footprints. I'm at my locker soakin wet. What do I do now?

The same as dogs do wet. Or what you could also call it:

THE BEYONCE RAINDANCE



Putting clothes on when I over hear these two girls who probably are best friends. One of them is getting changed in a corner which can be isolated with a curtain(why you guys have these in your gym goes beyond my brain capasity...) an she's to her friend like 'promise you're not gona watch!!'. Gurrl................YA THINK KELLY ROWLAND AINT SEEN MAMA B'S PUSSY????? YOU AINT NO FRIENDZ IF YOU AINT SEEN YA SISTA'S PUSSY I'M TELLIN Y'ALL



My BFF.

Get skinny x