New week, new body

Fitness Fail has been in coma. Food coma.

We've been busy pourin pringles down our throats (yeh like our hands would fit in those tubes...). Flick has gone so far he's thinkin JustEat.co.uk are makin fun of him askin for his postcode everytime when they SURELY know it cause they've been visiting him twice a day.

However. Today I changed my ways. Am on this diet called 'No men, no carbs, no alcohol'.

Means unlimited amount of lesbians, quark and water. Shit loads of body combat which is this wicked class where women pretend killing males with imaginary swords. I'm allowed five meals a day. 'Meals':

Morning: Porridge with milk
Lunch: 1 can of tuna, pot of cottage cheese, half a cucumber and 3 tomatoes
'Snack': Pot of quark
Dinner: See Lunch
'Snack': See 'Snack'

2-3 hours between every meal. 'Meal'.

Ok. Can't take all credit. I didn't come up with this diet. Only re-named it.



This is Jutta Gustafsberg, the woman behind it. Finnish of course. She decided to become a body builder after her husband died in a boat accident. Guess she started to miss stroking abs??

Get skinny xxNEEDNOMANxx

I havent died of high cholesterol

Being fat and looking good is starting to become a problem.
Ive got to the point now where i only leave the house in baggy jeans and a jumper. For the life of me i cannot find a piece of clothing that looks good on my Moomin physique.
So, what i do? Go clothes shopping. What do i buy? Accessoires. Even when i try to get new clothes i still cant find anything that fits/looks good/isnt£££££.
I seem to have accumulated so many necklaces, rings, hats and bracelets its unbelievable. I DONT EVEN WEAR BRACELETS. And as for the rings, they are a risky business. One day they fit, the next they dont.
In fact, the only accessory i ever wore was a necklace that went over your whole body, it was called a harness by the manufacturer. It was quite cool, id wear it when i went out to snazz things up a bit. Ive been out in it quite a few times with Sandra, only for her to tell me recently tell me that it makes my boobs look bigger. Oh the joy. What am i too do? I thought accessories didn't have a weight limit? I suppose i was wrong.

Get Skinny xxx nothingfits

hate my life 2

Shaved off a chunk of my finger nail when shaving my vagina in the gym shower. Another reason for why I love being a woman, another reason I love going to the gym.

I've had enough.

hate my life

This post is written honouring International Women's day. Let's call it 'Why I love being a woman -period thru my gym shorts'

That is enough for this time I think. And yes, no pictures.

Get skin....Nah just give up

FFS

=Fat, Furious and Single.

All fat people are desperate. I used to think that it was quite desperate to have a profile on a dating site (read five). Until I was about to delete mine, but couldn't do so without giving a specific reason. I had to choose from a list with reasons like 'I found someone'.

Well, the most suitable for me was 'I give up'. I clicked on it, doing the L sign on my forehead at the same time.

Now there's no thing I'd classify as 'desperate'. You know you're desperate when you pay to travel for someone to spread your thighs and touch your vagina. You heard right, team FFS went down to Brighton!



I was well prepared.

''me: fuck im afraid im on my period 3.3

flick: gona have a christina aguilera moment in your casting

me: more like a scene from ER. ''

So I had to get the pill to change my period cycle. Of course I wasn't on the pill before: no need as fat people do not get laid. Scenario from the health centre:

-oh so you found a nice boyfriend to have regular sex with?

-nah the only thing goin into my vagina is clay

*awkward silence*




The cast of my vagina was meant to feature on the Great Wall of Vagina- exhibition, but when the artist asked me 'Sooo, where are you from(you do undestand how difficult small talk was in this situation)? and got 'Finland' as the answer, he became happy. It came out he's next vulva showcase, is gona be one where there's one fanny representig each country.

He asked me if I wanted to be Miss Finland.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANT TO ME. The reason behind all these attempts of losing weight and growing my hair, was of course to one day become Miss Finland. Who knew, that all it took, was just to pull your pants down!



There she is! Miss Pussy Finland. An overall good representant, as Finnish design is known for it's simplicity, clear lines and functionality. An inner beauty (literally).

Get skinny *boysrememberfatgirlscanhavenicevaginas*

Phobia (1)

Today had be thinking about phobias. We all have them, there is no need to deny them.
I was thinking about them because a friend of mine was freaking out when i took off one of my shoes, I was like, 'what the hells up?' I had a hole in my sock. Who knew that was a thing?? So i thought i must have one of these odd phobias. I thought for hours and nothing. Then it hit me, i couldn't think of it because it was all around me.

FAT.

Being surrounded by it all the time naturally you build an immunity to its being. Its why being fat is so dangerous. You dont notice its their unless your bitchy friends tell you it is. However your best friends will tell you 'you've filled out, it suits you.' So, sounds like you had friends when you were skinny, now your fat you may find they've shrunk out, unlike your waist. And we all know how Me and Sandra are only friends with each other. I dont even have the energy to post the 'Forever Alone' picture.

Get Skinny xx

oh fuck

Oh well. My life is pretty shit atm.

a) Bought this magazine called Women's health. It said stuff like 'you can have your odd Mars bar -just have it with an apple' and that binge eating won't make too much harm. Ok. I've lived by these rules for the last two weeks (forget the apple, that surely is a 30 extra calories??)and my jeans aren't happy.

b) Bought a Beyonce t shirt. Texted Flick like 'I would have bought you one but they're all ladies slim fit'. Come home. LADIES SLIM FIT HONESTLY SANDRA?? Sincerely thinkin I would fit in this, AND THAT IT WOULD BE LOOSE, I cut the arm holes wider and neck aswell ('this will look so good with cropped jeans shorts and tanned skin on summer!!'). Try it on. It's like a bra.

c) Goin Vagina casting on saturday. Just realizd how pathetic that is. I'm so desperate I'm payin to go Brighton for someone to spare my legs and touch my vagina.

There's a light side thou(thank god). Last week when I went out with alex (post below)(ok no need for specifyin 'with alex' I think you know by now that he's my only friend) he told me the next day that I fell face down on the ground. MY FACE!!! Thank GOD it's still on its place! What sucks more than bein fat, is bein fat AND havin an ugly face. I mean, if it wasn't for Adele's face, she would just be a Susan Boyle, right?

Get skinny xx