euro-thin-sion

Mine and Sandras friendaversary went by recently, this being on the same night as Eurovision! Only the best tv show on tv.

But moving on.

Flicks rules to surviving Uni on a diet:

- To be honest its best to not go to uni at all if your fat. Its not a place for fatties. You'll get told before you go that its all about sex, parties and drugs. But dont listen to those rules because they dont apply to fat people. But if you still insist on going, here we go.

1) Choose the right course. Ideally, something that involves a lot of activity on a computer. Us fatties love a good sit down and everyone knows it. If you do something like Sport Science all you will get is judgement. Fashion isn't ideal either. They are another lot to pass judgement. But if you insist on doing it (like I did) you have to take on the roll of, clumsy, yet funny, fat guy. You may be the butt of everyones joke but at least they wont be throwing sandwiches at you.

2) Choose a Uni that doesn't have a inbuilt canteen, you have to move for your food. A sure sign that you are gonna gain weight (cos you ain't gonna be loosing it having sex) is buying lunch every day. All that Subway and Starbucks may come across as healthy but let me tell you, it will result in a spare tire to match your bingo wings.

3) Dont befriend fatties! I know its hard being fat and making friends but if you socialise with fatties you wont be able to break the stereotype that all you do is eat and sweat a lot. My friends are skinny. Proof it can be done. If you follow rule 1 and come across as the fat funny guy those skinny bitches will pick you up in a flash. They love a good makeover.

4) Love your body gurl! By this of course I mean pretend to. I would never sugest love the fact you're fat on this blog. But if you walk around as if there are donuts around your ankles you'll get treated like it. Buy yourself some nice clothes and make sure to include spanx on that shopping list! I dont care if your a boy, I do it so can you!

Proof bitchez, you can do it! 

Get Skinny xx

Everyone loves fried chicken

Silence on this blog. You could think it's because we're at the gym all the time. I'll leave you thinking that.


I fuckin hate being a woman. There's a lot wrong with you physically, but especially mentally. An example of how twisted a woman's mind is: No matter how fit she is, she's always on a diet. You tell her she's fit, no need to diet,she'll slap you on the face telling you just called he fat! I know this cause I do it all the time! I can't help it, I blame it on this curse called womanhood.

Reason why it's a curse, is cause being on a diet is fuckin hard. There's a reason why it consists of the word 'die' ok. You're just dying to get some fried chicken. I myself spend every awake second thinking about fried chicken. Which is sinfully alot for a white person. I go to London College of Fashion, which is shortened LCF. I always mix this with KFC. Once we decided to meet at the LCF library for a group project. I went all epileptic: WHAT (foam coming from my mouth) THERE'S A LIBRARY OF FRIED CHICKEN??

The only way of staying away from fried chicken is to be hypercritical about chicken shop names. There's one on my street called 'Delta Express Chicken'. In crtical times like these, it's important to eat locally produced meat, so stay away from everything that sounds like it cme from a martian alien chicken's vagina. Next to that there's one called 'Lion's chicken'. Now, what kind of sick cross breeded animal is that?? Then there's McDonald's with its 100% boneless chicken. I don't know what they stuff their 'chicken' burgers with, but boneless chickens.........Doesn't exist.

Why does black people love fried chicken? CAUSE EVERYONE LOVES FRIED CHICKEN.

Get skinny x

FFS

= Fats Fighting Summer.

Thanks for the weather Jesus. Like fat people didn't sweat enough already.

On top of that, my entire wardrobe is black. Even black shorts are too hot for this weather, so imagine having fat legs and not being able to go outside bare legged. Black tights it is! My room is so fuckin hot that my eyeliners have dried out. What to do when you are fat, and not being able to fix the only thing you have, your face? Stay inside. Happy fuckin Summer skinny bitches. I'll keep cruising on my online dating sites! EDIT: Lesbian just asked if I'd join a threesome. I said No thanks. Then she said: There was one condition anyway: For you to lose some.

Can't go to the gym cause this heat has given me blisters in my knee joints. 'Shame'

Get skinny x

gym obstacles

If it wasn't hard enough to drag your fat ass to a gym class, the gym class is full of obstacles.

1. Glasses

Not yours, some idiot's. We run around in circles, you in constant fear that she will drop them and you'll stand on them.

2. Babies

Not yours, some idiot forgot to use contraception. We run around in circles, you in constant fear that you will push her and cause miscarriage.

3. Fat people

We run around in circles, IF IT WAS POSSIBLE BUT BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF SPACE YOU'RE FORCED TO POWER WALK INSTEAD.With a fuckin elephant toe constantly in your face.


I'm basically saying that if it wasn't for people with bad eye sight, bad sex life or bad carb habits, I'd already be in my ideal weight. My diet atm is called 'Next week'

'Get skinny' xxxxxxx(killyourself)

Get skinny xx

I love going to the gym. Before I found it a bit drainig, as I kept thinking what the point was to have a nice body, when I have no one to touch it. Then I realized that I can touch it! Too bad I'm the only one who seems to see the difference: Yesterday I was clled fat by a lesbian n a dating site after I said no to a threesome. 'There was one condition any way', she said, 'for you to lose some!'. Then a girl on my course said I have the perfect face. That I could do face modelling. In other words, she too, did call me fat.

This is what in my mind has happened:

You see.This little spot on your waist. I didn't have that before. I was putting my porridge in the microwave thinking what the point was to be on this shit tasting diet, it clearly isn't working. When I put my hand on my waist. And started screaming, no lies! That spot there, it just and just fits your hand! It's amazing!! Then I went to my room to eat my porridge. Finished it. Rested my hands on my thighs. Started screaming again. For the first time, my hands weren't sinking into my thighs.

And yeh forgot to mention my ass. It's amazing too. There's a new curvature starting to take place it's all abit exciting.

I went out the other night and for the first time I had both females and males approach me (usually it's only females). I doubt it's the diet though. Must be the fact that my hair is finally growing out from a bowl cut. What is worse than a fat person? A fat person with a bowl cut. Love the gym so much right now that I'm fearing for the blog: It's not funny anymore if we actually get skinny. But then again, there's also Flick, so don't need to worry about that too much.

(will post this photo back up soon lovvvv youuuu, flick)

The way my bootie goes.

My contribution to this blog has a simular to my love life.
Minimal.

My lack of love has given me the time i needed to look back on old photos of me. Bad move when you've done nothing but gain weight the last few years. I can no longer use the excuse, 'im big boned' because i've seen the photos of when i had a waist.

Tilt your screen forward, I promise you can see an arse outline.

And below, I actually have cheekbones. Groundbreaking.

Well anyway, being single and fat has been a struggle recently. Last month i was so strong, i even said to Sandra, 'I think i could wait until im at least twenty-five before i even need a man.' WELL THAT CHANGED.

Im struggling.

Im starting to take steps to become an eligible bachelor.

Firstly, stopped buying my underwear from Tescos. Instead I've upgraded to the David Beckham for H&M undies. You know you've done a good job when a fat person says your underwear is comfortable.

But I could do without the giant silver statues of David Beckham, they are making me even more self-conscious.

Although shopping in H&M has its down sides. When putting a XL hoody on the counter and the cashier treats it like a bed sheet when folding it. Took him three attempts before he could correctly fold the 'metres' of fabric.
The most awkward three minutes of my life.

But yeh, I had a moment thinking it would be possible to be fat and have a boyfriend. But discovered it only applies in extreme cases. Every.effort.backfires. Weight lost is the only way and the DC-Diet is your guide.

Get Skinny xx becauseallyoureffotsareworthless

DC-diet

Ok so I'm currently on this diet called DC. Yes, it's named after Destiny's Child, cause only a sistah can relate!

I was talking to a guy at the club. Until he says: 'Wait. I wrote to you on a dating site. You never replied'

WHYYY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME. Everything was going so well! Must be the cut I got inside my hand once. I have a scar crossing my love line.

Ok so, despite the world crashing awkward moment, the evening carried on quite nicely. In fact we went to mine and had sex. Then he left. In the middle of the night! I've never felt as more of a dissapointment to my Independent women as in this moment. Sleeping alone in wet sheets, so wet I was cold! This is how the movie Titanic would be if it was based on a true love story!

The DC-diet is easy. You just listen to Destiny's Child. Constantly. Cause every part of your life has its own tune:

'Independent women' is about becoming a lesbian
'Survivor' is about period pain
'Lose my breath' is about walking up stairs
'Say my name' is about dyslexia
'Bootylicious' is about being fat (My body's too bootylicius for you=No one wants my body)

Additional rules:

1) No men. This is the corner stone of this diet and shall not be broken. In any,I say ANY, circumstances.
2) No alcohol. Cause it makes rule number one pretty much impossible.
3) Grow your hair. Imagine Beyonce with short hair? Also, growing your hair is easy cause you've stopped drinking. The main reason it was short anyway was because it used to be covered in vomit all the time.

And to all my single ladies (Ironically, Beyonce was very much the most un single lady when this song came out! How many rings do you really need Mama B(itch)!) When nothing fits: Wear nail polish!