oh wow

The fat moment of the year:

I work in a restaurant okay. Last night I was thirsty so I grabbed a glass and had some water. Me to my colleague:

'Did we have a new glass delivery? These glasses taste new!'

Silence. (but yes we did)

A food related love story

I once took my friend to Hard rock cafe. Cause that's where I work. so I get 50 percent off. Goin to your work to eat doesnt mean that you'll save money. It mans you'll eat twice the amount you normally would somewhere else.

So we had appetizers, mains and dessert. So far this story is amazing. The bad thing is I had planned to go stay the night at a lovely boys house! Tip for the guys: If you're on a date with a girl and she finishes her food AND wants dessert, she has no intention to have sex with you. I was brave thou and went.

I was so full I had to take pain killers. Damn you nachos! We go to bed (him, me and my stomach).I find it very hard to sleep, mainly cause the only position I manage to breathe in is on my back. and I never sleep on my back. The man places his arm on my stomach. Oh no, wrong move! I press my hands to my mouth and run to the bathroom. I didn't make it to the toilet, so I threw up in the sink. Hands still blocking my mouth, the nachos came out from my nose. I look into the mirror. You sexy motherfucker.

I start cleaning my naked body with mr muscle and toilet duck. what a lucky bastard that guy is,I thought to myself. I go to bed glittering like the cleanest of toilet tiles. And you know what the best part is?

He called back. I've heard theories men fall in love with the help of their smell sense. Must have been the smell of nachos coming from my nose.

fat brain

Once in kindergarden, I remember having some peach cream dessert. It was orange, smelled like peach and tasted like peach. In my late teens I discovered the same consistence, the same smell and color...in a Lidl shampoo. In the shower, my curiosity took over. Yes, I had a taste. I came to realize that my childhood wasn't a hoax, no, we were not served shampoo at six years old. Since that,the beutifully smelling chocolate oat shower gels my gym provides hasn't been much of a problem. That changed thou, after a visit to Italy.

The amount of icecream flavours that country has to offer! In fact, there is so many flavours that they've ran out of flavours! So they expanded! To smells! Yes, crazy but true. I was to Italy. Had 'Rose' icecream. I could not possibly tell if it's rose flavoured,cause I've never eaten a rose, I thought. But when I had a spoonful, I could tell it was rose, cause bizarrely it tasted....like a smell? This is my craziest food related moment, it completely shook my senses. It made my brain fat.

Now when my friend introduced his new perfume, smelling of leather, I thought it smelled caramel. Whenever I'm at the gym I'm like 'why does it smell like popcorn in here?' Til I'm like... 'Oh, it's sweat'. My brain used to just not trust men, now it doesn't trust the eyes or the ears either! Women could do with just one hole. The mouth.

I cracked the code

I visited London. Then I left and this is what happened.

Entire Picadilly line gets suspended. Without a plan b route, I blindly start to follow a flock of people with suitcases. Later I find myself almost entering an express train to Stansted. My plane leaves from Heathrow.

It’s five o’clock. I jump into a cab and say my plane leaves at six. Cab driver says I’m wasting my money, I say optimists live longer. He takes me to Paddington, where I get the Heathrow express. While men in suits read e-mails from their laptops, I empty my bag onto the seat next to mine and separate liquids into a tesco bag.

I’m at the airport 17.35. I try to check in to a check in that’s already closed. I run to a desk, saying I'VE ALREADY SEPARATED MY LIQUIDS. Lady in front of me gives a look to her colleague and says two words: Force boarding. Then turns to me: ‘Go up the stairs, turn right and run. Good luck’

I run, at the same time takin my jacket and shoes off, to the security check where a man already waits for me with boxes to throw my stuff in. The alarm sets of and I yell ‘MY NIPPLES ARE PIERCED’ and the lady replies ‘Go straight, turn right, run. Good luck’. I perform the deadliest run in my triple sole creepers and say good luck to everyone who passes me running. I get to a closed gate, where a man in walky talkie waves at me, saying ‘Sandra arrived’.

Sand-ra is the new She-ra.I wanna thank my personal trainer for my strong leg muscles, without them I wud not have made the critical run.



Ok, I do not have a personal trainer. That's why I'm not in my goal weight. Cause that's the well kept secret of great physique you know. Get a personal trainer and you will loose weight...because then you cannot afford to eat! I cracked the code! You're welcome.

gym fart

Everyone knows the dancefloor fart. Packed club, shoulder rubbing with strangers, broken beer glasses. And the fart. As obvious to the night club experience as the vomiting just outside the club and two large big mac meals afterwards.

With this prologue, let me introduce the gym fart. Gym fart is a part of the group exercise class just like the dancefloor fart is a part of the night club. Except that: it's worse. A lot worse. What makes it worse, is that the gym floor isn't as packed. There's less people. And they're completely sober. This makes it easy to locate the fart.

For every gym farter out there (Some bodies were just made to be fat, and healthy food doesn't do good for your stomach) try Rose Jam shower gele from LUSH cosmetics. Makes your sweat smell like roses. Motivates you to sweat really hard, so that in case you fart, no one will notice.



Gym fart is not to be confused with the yoga fart. Yoga fart is a long, loud, pure fart produced by an old women trying to reach full relaxation.

You know you're fat when..

3. You start studying film at uni. Just so you could one day make the superhero film you've always wanted to. Titled Felicia Fish fingers.

2. You like the fb page 'Fitspiration'. And you spend all your time liking their pics and statuses. When you could be out running for example.

1. You start taking Italian lessons. So that you could one day move there. Not because of the nice weather or beutiful men, but the endless amount of carbs that place has to offer.


the only word I can so far is gelato. quattro stagione I knew from before, it's number 4 on the menu of my local pizza place.

get skinny x

A FooL's apology

I work as a waitress. Try being on a diet when you're surrounded by burgers!

I'm a crap waitress. That's cause my relation to food is a fat person's. I don't particularly enjoy food, I don't even taste it. I just eat. Men objectify women, I objectify food. I don't have feelings for food. I eat when I'm bored. I'm no better than the men who never call me back. I'm a Food Lover. Shortened FooL. A FooL's booty call is opening the fridge door.

This is why up-selling, a skill crusial to a waitress, is something I suck at. Example:

'Wanna add some mayo? Cause....it matches your shirt?' I cannot separate a taste, therefore not describe one. I THINK PEPSI AND COKE TASTE THE SAME GOD DAMMIT.

'Try our Azul Rita! It's......blue!' A FooL describes beverages with outer characteristics. Just like men describe women.

Once I told a customer that our salmon is served with spargus. 'I love spargus!' she said and ordered that dish. When she asked for the bill, I had a quick look at the unfinished plate. And quickly realized that the veg I thought was spargus...... is actually called broccoli. A FooL doesn't memorise names of food they eat. Just like men.

Sorry.