burpe bruise

Ok so apparetly Jessica Alba lost her baby weight by doing burpees. Like she even gained weight but yeh back to the point:



I do not get muscles by doing them, I get bruises??? What is this??? Burpees are as effective for my body as burping is. Or not exactly, as burping means the food you eat ain't SHIT!!! (Yes I do mean you, cottage cheese fuck off I HATE YOOOOU!!!)

Get skinny or dieeee

Teachers are life insured?

There's nothing more annoying, than when doing a gym class the teacher asks you to SING THE LYRICS OF THE TRACK! LIKE WTF YOU SERIOUS??? Your face is red, your shorts are so sweaty it looks like your bladder exploded, YOU CAN BARELY BREATHE AND SHE DARES TO ASK YOU TO SING???? Not everyone is born Beyonce ok??

The teacher shouldn't do this. Like for her own safety. The majority of the class are female, their punches won't do much harm. But there's always one of these big guys, who think they are kentaurs because they lift their knees higher than you or they reach the ceiling when jumping. It's like they're not realizng that they're actually doin a women's class. Until Rihanna's 'Only girl in the world' starts playing. And the teacher asks to sing along.

This is the part where I get nervous. Especially, because this guy doin Sunday morning Body Attack classes with me looks like Breivik the Norwegian island killer.



Get skinny or die xx

(S)ome (P)athetic (A)sshole (N)ear (X)tinction - so he may as well try and look skinny

Ive had one of those weeks. By that i mean. I havent been to the gym once.
Ive been ill! wanna know why? PIZZA HUT!

Ever since me and sandra had pizza hut last sunday i've been ill! its so not cool.
The universe is punishing me for eating pizza.

Well... Since i cant do exercise this week i had to invest in some body altering under garments. aka. SPANX.

Yes yes, i know they are made for girls but WHAT CAN A BRUTHA DO??
I forced sandra to buy them for me at the till and the cashier continuously asked if she wanted to try them on as there were no refunds. They were clearly too big for her so i think the cashier was just being nice. It was still fucking awkward as sandra kept looking at me every time the cashier asked a question.

Well anyway, they were pretty expensive and pretty shit for that price. I wore them cycling and then again ice skating. The joke is i wore them with a coat over the top, so kinda made no sense?
Well anyway, ill show you some pictures to express my feelings...

How i felt

How i probably looked (THIS IS NOT ME) omg

When you wear them they will automatically give you bigger looking boobs. Great news for a girl. not so much for a boy. They also will give you love handles in every direction. But hey, you know what they say. Men love something to hang on to.

ANYWAY, when i got home and took them off i had laddered them... JOY TO THE WORLD, i guess even Spanx have a weight limit. Next time im getting them from Primark.

Get Skinny xx

the skinny curse

For those of you that did not know, it was Sandras birthday recently. So to celebrate i baked her a cake (i know were on a diet but its her BIRTHDAY)
Ill show you how here:

Yeh, its Charmander from Pokémon. Amazing i know.
Me, Sandra and some friends from work sat down on a saturday night to eat some cake and wish her a happy birthday. Then the next day me and sandra has a Pizza Hut pizza. (whoops). Non the less sandra had a good birthday.
Prior to her birthday she had lost 2kg and had a date with a guy, he stood her up. The day after we had pizza hut Sandra weighed herself. she had not only not lost any, but had gained weight! no surprise after the weekend. The joke of this is that, she then got a date with a different guy after she had gained weight. So WHAT? Guys dont like skinny girls??? what is this??

Lesson: Guys dont know what they want.

Get Skinny xxx

None of this post means anything to a boy. fuck sakes. 

means i have to stick to my diet....... urg!

Fuck

It takes a lot of will power for a fat person to go to the gym. And once I got there, they said my class was fully booked. See? God hates fat people!

I was too embarrassed to just leave, as the recceptionist had already signed me in. I went to the changing rooms. I was getting changed. Until I was like 'Who the fuck am I kidding??'

Because fat people tryin to exercise on their own using the machines, look like this:



I sat in the changing rooms for an hour. Then took a shower. Just so that the receptionist wouldn't think I've given up on life.

Get skinny xx

Digital age of abuse

So yesterday i was on Facebook, as usual. (Its basically my second home, sadly.)
I saw others doing this quiz, so thought i would too. I DIDNT REALISE THE ANSWER COULD BE RUDE! So yeh, i did it and accidentally clicked submit twice, and got two shit results. As you can see to your left.
Really excited for the rest of the year........................

Its a bit like when Sandra asked me if i wanted to go with her speed dating,  I said no on the fact it was speed dating and involved the word speed.., and then she told me the details....
Basically. its a speed HATE type night but instand of talking normally to the person you are sitting infront, you instead tell them all the things wrong with them.
Yeh, ill defiantly pass.

http://www.feelinggloomy.com/page.php?id=40
- for those nut cases in London who LIKED the sound of that... there you go... Info is up there.

Lesson Learnt: Don't rely on a computer for sympathy. It wont tell you you're pretty.



Get Skinny xxx

dat a$$

So i have descided i wanna be curvy. A bit like a male Kardashian. But not like fat curvy, sculpted curvy.
Unlike Kim, 'I love food.' May as well be saying, 'I love satan.' Which is not ok.
i feel like NO men have this!? Just a small waist and then bigger thighs? Am i wrong in thinking that would be AMAZING?
I cant find any pictures online so ill show you with my magical drawing and cropping skills.

Get Skinny xx

Don't judge us!!

We had pizza yesterday ok. Because. Today is New Year (Ok, Chinese but whatever..), and new years resolutions don't count before new year!!


Some progress could be seen though. We had diet pepsi, checked the calories of what we ate (270 kcal per slice, kinda wish we didn't check now..) and shared ONE pizza intead of having one each! That alone is revolting, but also. We had these secret envelopes we got from previous Pizza hut visits, tellin you to come back to have the manager to open it for it to be valid (catch bein you have to eat in order to for him to do it). And every time you do this you get a new envelope. Bad, bad circle, especially if you're fat.

This time we had two envelopes. The manager said only one of them will be valid per visit. Dun dun dunnnn. He open them both and kindly lets us choose which one we want. The first one is 20% off your bill. The other one is free garlic bread. Guess which we chose! The discount! We said no to free food for like the first time ever!!!

PLUS! We didn't get a new envelope! God is good!


Get skinny xx

Ice skating

In order for your new healthy lifestyle to not get boring, it is important to have variety in your exercise. Today we shall introduce iceskating:



Im wearing horizontal stripes as I'm dyslexic and thought it was these ones that make you look skinnier. Alex is wearing spanx for him to look skinnier, but then, a coat that completely covers the spanx affected area, on top.

For fat peole it is recommended to use a ice rink, as there is a risk that you might brake the surface of a frozen lake and drown. Then you'll be gutted that you spended your last livig days on a diet, eating rabbit food.

We went iceskating to Somerset house. Warning! Risk for throwing up as iceskating is an activity very much favoured by couples. Or ain't that a good thing, as vomiting surely make you lose weight? What we really should warn about is Vampire Weekend and other skinny jeans bands, whose music is played at the rink. We all know that skinny jeans makes you look everyting else but skinny.

Get skinny x

Fuck

You know you're fat when even your backpack feels tight.



You know you're fatter when it snaps.

Get skinny xx - Lisbeth Salad-er

Sandra Kardashian

So. Bought this magazine wth Kim Kardashian on the cover. Love Kim Kardashian soooo much. Bought checked lip tattoos the minute after she posted a pictre on twitter of her wearin them. I've already started to plan my next Halloween costume. I'm gonna be Poison Ivy, but not just any Poison Ivy. I'm gonna be Kim Kardashian as Poison Ivy.



This magazine promised to tell me the secrets of Kim Kardashian's body. I'm so excited when scanning it on the self-check, which starts beeping red.I ask for assistance,only to be told I haven't placed the magazine on the bagging area. 'This magazine is gonna be my bible' I think. After the purchase, I start flicking thru. There's no secrets. 'I eat what I want'. 'Cellulite is not a crime'. 'Be a size her - not a size zero'.

What Kim Kardashian is saying is she was born with that body. In the interview she also reveals her dress size. It's an 8. Bring on the violins.

Get skinny x

Pasty parliament

So whilst flicking through my new magazine Men's Health. I stopped on a page about food.
The reason i stopped is because it had a picture of a 'snack' me and Sandra used to regularly pick up from West Cornwall Pasty Company. The PASTY.
I read the article regarding the picture... wanna no what it said?? 'The highest calorie meal you can eat from a fast food chain. Over 1000 calories in one pasty.'

FUCK.

So all this time? We have been eating 1000 calorie snacks!?!
Great...
ffs. why dont we like healthy things? because it all tastes like wood...

Lesson Learnt: Kelly Rowland dies in Freddy Vs Jason so cant i just literally steal her abs?

Just wondering...

Get Skinny xxx ... byeating1000caloriesnacks.

My sauna experience

The first time I discovered a sauna in a british gym, I was super happy. A Finn ain't nothing without her sauna. You know Finland used to have sauna championships, but they are now banned as the 'winner' actually boiled himself to death. When I said 'used' to, I mean 2010, and not the time of the Vikings.

On the door, there was two A3 sized sheets on how to use the sauna. I laughed a bit and had quick read thru. Laughed again as it claimed to sit in the sauna for more than 15 minutes could be dangerous, banned it from pregnant people and most ridiculously, said: 'Do not drink alcohol in the sauna'. PLEASE. TELL THAT TO THE FINNISH PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY INVENTED THE SAUNA!

Went to the sauna. It was ok! Came out. There was a woman handing me a bag to put my swimwear in. Oh fuck. Why didn't anyone tell the immigrant that you don't go naked to the sauna? Even the A3:s took it so guaranteed that no one would go to a sauna naked that it forgot to mention it! Don't deport me Britain, ok???



Get skinny xx

Lie In Days

THIS GYM THING IS HARD!!
We went to the gym on friday evening. And then Sandra was like, So your coming on Sunday morning too right? Of course i said yes, when Sandra says these things they are more demands than questions.

By the fact it is now Sunday morning im sure you can see that one of us is at the gym and another isn't....
Sandra like everything else has taken this diet and exercise in her STRIDE. Im struggling and its only day 7.
I woke up this morning at text sandra, "Cant take it, sleeping in."
She replies, "Your 'lie in' days are the reason your body looks like that. Feel your stomach vibrating when you laugh? So not sexy."
All of which is true. I promised that i would go to the gym 5 times next week to make up for it. We will see if that happens... seriously failing so far.

but for now,

Get Skinny xxx

showers

So today I went to the gym for the first time since New Year... 13 days into my 'new lifestyle' better now than never?

Now I want to make a point from the English point of view, well, a English fat boy in late-teens point of view. Because i know in Finland nudity isn't really an issue so i need you to be understanding for me.
Showering after the gym is always a issue with me, its the most awkward thing. ever.
Getting my pale naked body out infront of all these buff mid-twenties men. Its like the minute you reveal flesh all eyes are on you. When you see pictures online (you know, the ones you really shouldn't be looking at.) You expect it to be some amazing man fest, but its really not....

The photos you really shouldn't be looking at... THAT ARE A FUCKING LIE!!

Today when i took my shower i wore my t-shirt into the shower and wore it out again. I think i got more eyes looking at me WITH my shirt on than without... at least they didn't see my stretch marks...  hell... fuck them.. At least BEYONCE didn't see my stretch marks. Although she has just had a baby so A SISTA CAN RELATE. Its a bit like being the new prostitute on the block. You think everyone is staring at you and judging, but really they're not, cos your all slags at the end of the day. its just in your head.

Sandra also asked me if i would be joining her in the sauna. AS MUCH AS I WANT TO, i had to say no. Am not getting naked in public being obese. no one needs to see that... fml. One day ill be able to sauna and have nice skin too, summer time?

Get Skinny.. bygoingtothegymevery13days. xxx

Introducing the fat curse

Went to Sainsbury's to buy cottage cheese(diet day 5 I would surely deserve something nice now) and saw Adele on a front cover. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND???? BUT SHE IS FAT!!???

LIKE WTF??????????????????????????????????? Why ain't she cursed??

And what is wrong with British parents? Jack bein the most common name and also the name of your most famosu serial killer....Ok this is so wrong that it's almost funny but Adele is becoming the name of more and more baby girls. NOOOO! This means Britain will stay as Euope's fattest country(Finland is a proud number two!) Give your babies a chance! Don't curse them with the fat curse! Don't hate your baby thou pregnancy made you even fatter! Also check your gym shoes. If they're by a brand named after something with high amount of calories, this might be the reason your still fat. It's the fat curse!


Pastry. FML. This was the second attempt to buy gym shoes. At first I bought two right feet by mistake. FAT CURSE(Known to friends as FC)

Today the Sainsbry's self check-out gave Flick a hard time scanning his vegetables. It's like they didn't want him to eat healthy! FC IS LURKING EVERYWHERE!!

Get skinny xx

(Ok so I made some research. Adele's boyfriend is fat too. Some justice in ths world!)

help yourself.

One thing me and Sandra made very clear was that in 2012 we wer going to be hitting the gym 4 - 5 times  week. Easier said than done, for me especially.

We decided we were going to do a Zumba class the other day at our gym in east London. I had all day off, only was going to go to the gym, the class started at 6.15pm. Left my house at 5.30 (stupidly) in hopes to get there on time. Long story short, i didn't.
Once i got to the train station Sandra had already left me. At least one of us were losing weight.
I didn't know the way to the gym from the station i was at so ended up getting lost. Lost and fat, how vulnerable can one person be!?
All these mishaps were grinding on my patience so i just called my friend Rosie and went to drink vodka and fruit juice at her house. Sandra joined me later to judge. Will i ever be skinny? :(

Get Skinny .. xxx :'(

Why sandra is my only friend.

The beginning of January is quite a challenging time for most. All that weight gained is rather hard to deal with, naturally you will have self-confidence issues. I hadn't left my house since New Years Day before yestorday so as you can imagine it was quite stressful.

As i left my house the sun was glaring down. I let off a 'hisssss' as it hit my almost transparent skin, eyes squinting. I was on my way to Uni. Once i arrived the first thing my friend said to me was, ' Flick, I can see you've over eaten over Christmas...' Infront of everyone. My head said, 'BITCH!' but my mouth said, 'Yes, I am aware i now have the body of a Moomin.' She laughed. My head again said, 'bitch'.

So today when I woke up i wanted to feel skinny again! It wasn't fair. So what do i do? Wear my gym kit to work so people think im sporty. It did nothing but make me feel more obese.

Lesson learnt? The only insecurity Beyonce has is her ears, so were all fucked...

Get Skinny.. xxx

Diet is onnn!!!

Note to self: When you start goin to the gym again after Christmas, make sure your gym clothes still fit.

Otherwise it could be awkward. Enough about that.

I went to Tesco after gym. To buy cottage cheese(making Kelly Rowland proud!!) The security guard approached me and told me off for wearing a hood. WTF???? YOU THINK IMA ROB YOUR FOOD SHOP? IM DIETING!

(And so should you too security guard!!)



Get skinny...ths is harder than I thought

God hates fat people

So. Needless to say mine and Flick's diet failed. On like day three. My biggest obstacle came to be visiting grandma. Everyone knows how much food old people want you to consume. It's like they hate you for being young, and because they can't take your youth, they want to make you fat. And they always succeed, don't they?

New week is coming, this means new attempt to diet. Or that's what I thought, but it came out that God hates fat people. My flight was delayed, so I missed my connection flight from Helsinki. I was gven a free hotel night. This means all you can eat hotel breakfast next morning. Which happens to be a Monday. The day when dieting starts. Yeh well good luck with that..

I checked into my hotel room. It's a two person honeymoon suite. Thanks alot for reminding me that I'm both fat AND single! Fat people do get laid thou I've heard, so I took a shower, put on my nicest, looked nice, smelled nice, left the room that screamed to drag a stranger with me from the downstairs bar. I went to the bar. No one there. I sat down and the only one touching my leg was my stomach. Forever alone.



Get skinny 666

If you're bored of boobs, you're bored of life

Anyone ever wondered why I study shoe design? Cause clothes don't fit me! Shoes fit everyone(now that's a lie, read the post below)! Shoes fit perfectly even after Christmas!

Though, if I had boobs, I would probably study lingerie. The feeling of mentally breaking down, when finding the most perfect bra section and remembering that you don't have boobs, is far worse than mentally breaking down in the fitting room when findng the last most perfect sequin playsuit on the rail. In a size 10. And the highest you can get it is just below your knees. Even Flick has bigger boobs than me!

Do not get your nipples pierced only because you'd like bigger boobs, they do not swell up! Can you work out boob mucles? Will my boobs look bigger if I lost weight? Or will they dissapear completely? Why when I've gained weight, have I gained it in every part of my body EXCEPT my boobs? Is getting pregnant the only way to get big boobs? But getting pregnant means becoming fat too? And you need to be constantly pregnant to keep your big boobs don't you? Will they even look big when you're fat aswell? Does being pregnant get me one step closer of becoming Beyonce? And Kelly Rowland did have a boob job, didn't she?

So many questions. So much food to comfort me.

Get skinny......yeah right.

Accessories for all?

I love to online shop. It helps me save the shame of going into a store where none of the clothes fit me. The one thing I love more than online shopping? ACCESSORIES.

Whilst shopping on ebay I found a great pair of red leather Dior bracers (the ones you put over your shoulders). The bid was at £4.99 and was ending the next day and at such an amazing price! I checked back the next day and the price had raised to £239.99 .     .   . HOW CAN THIS BE!?
Then it hit me. There are no size limits on accessories so even fat people can bid. Life isn't fair.

After that let down I continued searching ebay and finally found some shoes! Another accessory. Surely this would fit, right? wrong. The max size was UK 8 and im a UK 11. WHY IS GOD TESTING ME, am i not allowed to look nice just because i am fat? The universe is truly against me. Everything i knew about accessories is wrong.
Looks like im off the the shops...

Get Skinny.. xx fml.

Why carbs are bad for you

I went to Tesco. Bought bread, cheese and salami, you know, EVERYTHING KELLY ROWLAND WOULDN'T EVEN TOUCH.

Outside, there was a homeless guy. Asking to share a penny, you know, SOMETHING KELLY ROWLAND WOULD NEVER DO.

Well me, on the other hand, only wishes to be Kelly Rowland. So I stopped, took a roll out of my newly purchased roll bag, put on a nice slice of cheddar and a chunk of salami. Not to receive a 'thank you' by the homeless guy. But to be asked to also have sex with him.

What do we learn about this?

You shouldn't eat carbs.

Ke$ha owes me a new pair of jeans

This is just one of the reasons why its time to go on a diet. I'll explain. It was a sunday night, Sandra, Sandras friend (in London from Finland) and myself wanted a night out so we went to a club. Now in this club popular music videos play on screens whilst the music plays, creating a club with no DJ. I decided it was time I put on my favourite pair of jeans as I had Sandras friend to compete with. He has an amazing body so I had to pull out all the stops.
We got to the club and instantly his clothes were getting lifted up by strangers. It was then i realised my jeans had failed me.
It was time to get drunk. So whilst Sandra was off with a lesbian (Sandra isn't one but the ladies love her) and her friend was getting stripped by strangers I was dancing by myself. Bit of Gaga, bit of Robyn, it was all good!
Then... Ke$ha played... As i was gone with the moment I decided to get dowwwwwwwn to the music (im sure you know this feeling). I got low and my jeans said no. All I could feel from then on was a breeze, I reached down and could feel skin. My favorite pair of jeans had ripped right under my crotch. I was more upset than embarressed and I had to dance with my legs together from then on. Why is the universe call me fat via Ke$ha?
When I finally found Sandra she showed me her shorts, they had ripped as well, so in-sync. At least I wasn't alone in this. It was then we decided it was a good time to go home. F U Ke$ha. This is just one of the reasons why its time to go on a diet.

Get skinny.. xx

We've tried everything

You know the TV-shop voice that says 'Are you fat? Have you lost faith? Have you tried absolutely EVERYTHING?' Well, me and Alex have. And these are only a few of the examples:

- I lost my phone once. Looked for it everywhere, and was gonna leave it, if I wasn't texting with a black male. I realized, I must've left it at the pub. I went back there and found out that someone had sent 'Lick my vagina' messages. Not to the guy. But to my personal trainer. Guess I'm not going to gym anymore..


- A girl at my uni had lost a lot of weight. I used to stare at her, thinking how the hell did she manage it?? Cause I've tried everything! I walked to her like 'You left the carbs, yeah? Tried Zumba? Tell me! My mum died, she answered. Whoops.


- I was on my way home from uni and spontaneously went to an Indian all-you-can-eat-buffet(You know you're fat when you spontaneously go to an Indian all-you-can-eat-buffet. ALONE) I ate and ate and when I got home I saw people carryin a body to an ambulance. There had been a stabbing outside my front door. If it wasn't for that Indian buffet, I might be dead. That's when I knew not to ever, ever, EVER say NO to food.


Get skinny xx

THE BOOK

This is, The Book. It is not to be questioned. Whenever in doubt, refer to The Book.

The Book shall not be questioned.

It is our guide to a perfect body.

Now Or Never by Joyce L. Vedral

The Books includes:

- A simple fitness program guaranteed to work if followed.

- A completely new body in one year's time.

- Self-confidence that carries over into career and personal areas.

- The ability to use your mind to control your body.

- Freedom forever from the fear of getting fat, soft, and flabby.

- Release from the dread of looking and feeling old.

- The physical strength to perform tasks you previously found impossible.

- Freedom forever from torturous diet.

- Freedom forever from the scale.

-The ability and desire to help other women you know get into top shape.

Do you like my leotard?

"You on the other hand, are far from peaking. 

In fact, you have probably neglected your body, 

so have plenty of room for improvement."

- a quote from, The Book.

"I have a friend who weighs 100 pounds and wears a size three dress, but she looks fat in a bikini. I am willing to bet that she is holding at least 35 percent of her weight as body fat on her petite frame. She will never get into shape unless she works out with weights to form muscle."

- a quote from Joyce, surely a woman so harsh will whip us into shape.

""Get up and get a few cookies and some milk from the refrigerator." Your mind says, "I really shouldn't." Your body then says, "Why not? You deserve it. You have nothing else in your life.""

The Book knows best. Always follow the book.

Get Skinny xx

The 10 Commandments

Everything has rules, here are our ten commandments of dieting:

1.  You shall have no food after 7pm.
2. You shall not make for yourself a slave to any carved meat, you shall not bow down to them nor serve them.
3. You shall not take the name of the The Book in vain, for your body will not hold you guiltless.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy and examine the glory of Beyonce or Kelly Rowland.
5. Honour your stomach and your thighs and do not drink any kind of soda.
6. You shall not murder a KFC family bucket.
7. You shall not cheat on healthy foods.
8. You shall not alter the dial on the scales, stay true to your weight.
9. You shall not bear false witness in the mirror, wearing spanx does not permanently change your body shape.
10. You shall not covet McDonalds; you shall not covet Pizza Hut, nor Dominos, nor KFC, nor Subway, nor Wimpy, nor anything that is junk food. If ever confused, refer to The Book.

Sandra goal weight:  139 lbs
(from Beyonce)

 Flick goal weight: 168 lbs
(from Mark Wahlberg)

Die is for Diet 2

Ok so basically, let me introduce us: The half Finnish, half English blogging duo -Fitness Fail.
-Favorite food? Everything.. This is the problem..
-Favorite day? Dominos two for one Tuesdays.

This blog was created because we both know we have beutiful high cheek bones hiding there somewhere and they are going to waste.

Sandra, 20:

I wear black clothing most of the time because they make you look slimmer. I wear black lip stick, black nail polish and date black men for the same reason. I wans to look like Beyonce, as in have thunder thighs and not a baby bump as the current situation is.

Get skinny xx

Die is for Diet

THE COUNTDOWN IS OVER! And so is mine and Sandras unlimited supply of Mcdonalds. We said to ourselves that 2012 was gonna be a skinny year! So our diet has BEGUN and along with it, this blog.

I'm Alex, 19, better known as Flick.
I'm pretty obese at the moment, isn't christmas a bitch? Its ruined me. Its made me the proud owner of a table ass that cant resist but to shake it out to any vibration. I wont rest until im as skinny as Giselle and i'll get there with Beyonce and Kelly Rowland by my side (Michelle who?), they'll make me a greek adonis by summer.

We'll get to know each other better as the months go on, but until then... get skinny.

(sandra told me i cant say stay skinny cause im fat but i wanted to cause gregory gorgeous says stay gorgeous :( . So i have to say get skinny instead.)

Flick xxx